Timing is key?

So this Saturday, August 21st, is when our Single Summer was supposed to end. I only remember this because it is scribbled down in my day planner and its been daunting me the past couple days. I realized I wouldn't have time to write about the past four months on the 21st, so I will cram it in right now (heh, cram it in LMAO).

I am so thankful for the turn of events that is my life. The people I've met. The things I've learned. And most importantly--getting to know myself more and more.

I still have people ask me what happened to Single Summer, and I don't have the most eloquent way of wording it. Basically, I fell off the wagon, right into the perfect arms. I can't even begin to describe how happy I've been the past month. Yea, its only been a month. If i look at it from an outside perspective, its disgusting how happy and cute we are. I'm smiling thinking of it right now. I don't care though. I see why so many people turn to mush, its a phenomenal feeling. I've always been picky as hell when it comes to sharing my feelings, I've always been a romance killer. That came natural, so I guess I was terrified I would potentially miss out. But what I've been even more afraid of was finding it an losing it. Its funny how natural the complete opposite feels as well. Every once in awhile I'll take a mental step back and wonder how this happened, I like playing it over and over in my noggin. Its a good story, a very lucky story.

My notorious excuse "I'm just in a really selfish point in my life right now". I don't think that was true, it felt true at the time, but really...making time isn't hard for the right person, people. I say people because I see my close friends often. Anyways, my Single Summer ended because I met the right person. Everything that I could possibly say will turn out cliche, and I hate that. But its how I feel, which I do not hate. Far from.

My wording is piss poor right now, which isn't anything new. I don't think I have the attention span to write at this moment. I just wanted to blurb on the Single Summer for a minute.

I learned a lot from it. I'm glad I tried it out. I'm even more glad that I learned from it, and met someone through it.

BOOM.

XO CaraMia

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

I've always hated change that wasn't instigated by me. I've hated a lot of things that haven't been on my own terms, which is selfish. I am well aware. However, I'm getting use to the idea that I'm not always right, but I'm usually pretty damn close. Anyways, I'm writing right now in this specific moment because I felt attacked by all the changes that have happened in the past few years of my life.

I went shopping yesterday, and the sizes I bought were smaller than what I remembered being. Shopping for bras is ultimately what brought on this crazy moment in me. It was then reiterated by folding my laundry, which I gave up on because I realized how much I need to donate...because it just sits on my floor, not fitting me or my life. Its funny how certain shirts remind you of people, moments, car rides, shows, they're photographs in their own way. Its funny how pajama pants can remind you of drunken slumber parties with long lost girlfriends. How panties can remind you of running around in the summer in your best friend's apartment. How dresses can remind you of the reason you thought you should be wearing them. Clothes are funny. And I'm about to donate a lot of them. Because they don't fit.

When I was 18, I weighed 185. Left someone, and dropped ten. And stayed at a steady 175 for a year or so. Then just in the last year I worked out hella and dropped to 145. I am proud of this. However, I don't see the shrinkage the way most people do. I'm at the healthiest I've ever been minus the dinosaurs, and yet I still see the exact same person. I'm sure that doesn't make sense. Hrm. I have never hated my body. Yea, there we go. I've always been happy in the shell that occupies my soul. I just think that yesterday was a weird moment for me, because I realized what a change had taken place with me physically. At first I was upset in a superficial way, which I am ashamed of. I shouldn't care about my size, I think I was just overwhelmed by the difference in what I use to be to what I am now. Changes are fucking weird. I didn't see them. Which then lead me to wonder what had changed mentally that I hadn't seen. I

Really, I just feel like a stronger, improved me. I have a lot of the beliefs and views that I've always had, only now I am much better at implementing them. I stand up for the ones I love and believe in. I was raised with that. "Right or wrong, as long as you're honest with me I will side by you."

I'm still the same person I have always been. However, life happens. So much has happened. I wish I wrote it all down, because I don't want to lose any of it. The good and bad, its all apart of my life. And got me to this wonderful spot I'm in right now.

I'm surrounded by the best people, I've emphasized this so much. However I think I can't get over it, I don't want to. I've always felt loved by my family, my brothers and mother have always been my world, thats changing too. We're growing up, our family is expanding. Love evolves. But I think to an extent, finding a part of my own identity was finding friends that I truly connected with. I''m not saying that to dumb down the relationships I have had in the past. The ones from the past that are still apart of my life, are relationships that exist for a reason. There are few of them, but they are there and will always be. I am so satisfied with life. I just don't want to miss a beat. I don't want to forget this. And I know there is so much more to come.

I want a typewriter.

"I'm thankful for those that I love, and those that love me"


XO CaraMia

Breakin the law breakin the law.......(well my own) Fuck it

yayaya............ So Cara and I blew it cuz apparently we are BOY CRAZY....

Or is it that we set the bar too high and we gave up...

I have been dating. Not committing though. I sure as hell like to cuddle and kiss..I am being safe at least not spreadin my legs all over town... bleh!!

I know from my maturity level that I am NOT ready to nor do I have time to give anyone else.

Just occasionally .

The guy I dated for over two months helped me learn a lot. He was sweet when he was sweet and he was a terd when he was a terd. I been dumped and I have dumped .
Men either have anger problems or mommy issues or are just plain sweethearts because they were raised right. Someday I will find someone who I can laugh and terrorize with until it is time to settle down .

I do want to have at least one child in a couple years... but time is running out and I just become more selfish with my new found alone time...
I REALLY REALLY like my space and am not about to share it..


anyways , phew..........glad I finally did this. I had been avoiding my blog entry in fear of facing the madness that is DATING IN PORTLAND.......


what do I have to say about it all in all??

Dating in Portland SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Rambling.As.Always.

I'm so stressed out right now! But summer term comes to an end tomorrow, so I am trying my best not to panic. I really do hate complaining. I hate the idea of sounding bitchy, and I hate the idea of burdening someone with my stupid problems. They aren't even problems really. Because ultimately, life is so fucking amazing. I am so happy with where I am right now. I am just stretched a little thin. Scratch that, very thin. I will live.

I'd rather be optimistic instead.

Like is fucking amazing. I know I've said this before, but I am truly surrounded by some of the best people I have ever met. Everyday I am reminded that Portland is my home because of the people that occupy it. I'm thankful for this.

Single summer. Sometimes I feel like I beat around the bush with this topic. As I said in my last blog, I am officially in a relationship. I'm ridiculously happy. I couldn't ask for a better man to be in my life. Sometimes I fret for a brief moment that its too good to be true. Then I remind myself to just enjoy every moment, I'm confident that they will last for a very long time. So many mental photos. Its funny, cause a few people have tried to say that I've fallen off the map since I started seeing someone. This kinda makes me feel awkward. Considering I never really was on the map in the first place. I've been dealing with final projects for the past two weeks. Working. Working a second gig that doesn't pay. And a calendar. Really once I'm on summer break I am just going to focus on the pizza gig and my calendar. I'm hoping by doing this my stress levels will drop. We will see. I am notorious for finishing one project and starting another directly after. :Shrug:

Anyways. Tangent, as usual.

I'm happy. Everyday I have something to look forward to, life has been like this for the past three years now. And now, I've got a group of amazing, and supportive friends to look forward to. I just wish we all didn't have crazy schedules. I guess that is apart of world domination.

Sometimes I hate blogging.
I never say everything I want.
Maybe I need a secret diary with a lock, to hide under my bed.


Here is an funny picture from my shoot with Jeff Mawer and Lucas Olson, from yesterday at Sauvies.


XO CaraMia