I've always hated change that wasn't instigated by me. I've hated a lot of things that haven't been on my own terms, which is selfish. I am well aware. However, I'm getting use to the idea that I'm not always right, but I'm usually pretty damn close. Anyways, I'm writing right now in this specific moment because I felt attacked by all the changes that have happened in the past few years of my life.
I went shopping yesterday, and the sizes I bought were smaller than what I remembered being. Shopping for bras is ultimately what brought on this crazy moment in me. It was then reiterated by folding my laundry, which I gave up on because I realized how much I need to donate...because it just sits on my floor, not fitting me or my life. Its funny how certain shirts remind you of people, moments, car rides, shows, they're photographs in their own way. Its funny how pajama pants can remind you of drunken slumber parties with long lost girlfriends. How panties can remind you of running around in the summer in your best friend's apartment. How dresses can remind you of the reason you thought you should be wearing them. Clothes are funny. And I'm about to donate a lot of them. Because they don't fit.
When I was 18, I weighed 185. Left someone, and dropped ten. And stayed at a steady 175 for a year or so. Then just in the last year I worked out hella and dropped to 145. I am proud of this. However, I don't see the shrinkage the way most people do. I'm at the healthiest I've ever been minus the dinosaurs, and yet I still see the exact same person. I'm sure that doesn't make sense. Hrm. I have never hated my body. Yea, there we go. I've always been happy in the shell that occupies my soul. I just think that yesterday was a weird moment for me, because I realized what a change had taken place with me physically. At first I was upset in a superficial way, which I am ashamed of. I shouldn't care about my size, I think I was just overwhelmed by the difference in what I use to be to what I am now. Changes are fucking weird. I didn't see them. Which then lead me to wonder what had changed mentally that I hadn't seen. I
Really, I just feel like a stronger, improved me. I have a lot of the beliefs and views that I've always had, only now I am much better at implementing them. I stand up for the ones I love and believe in. I was raised with that. "Right or wrong, as long as you're honest with me I will side by you."
I'm still the same person I have always been. However, life happens. So much has happened. I wish I wrote it all down, because I don't want to lose any of it. The good and bad, its all apart of my life. And got me to this wonderful spot I'm in right now.
I'm surrounded by the best people, I've emphasized this so much. However I think I can't get over it, I don't want to. I've always felt loved by my family, my brothers and mother have always been my world, thats changing too. We're growing up, our family is expanding. Love evolves. But I think to an extent, finding a part of my own identity was finding friends that I truly connected with. I''m not saying that to dumb down the relationships I have had in the past. The ones from the past that are still apart of my life, are relationships that exist for a reason. There are few of them, but they are there and will always be. I am so satisfied with life. I just don't want to miss a beat. I don't want to forget this. And I know there is so much more to come.
I want a typewriter.
"I'm thankful for those that I love, and those that love me"
XO CaraMia
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