Timing is key?

So this Saturday, August 21st, is when our Single Summer was supposed to end. I only remember this because it is scribbled down in my day planner and its been daunting me the past couple days. I realized I wouldn't have time to write about the past four months on the 21st, so I will cram it in right now (heh, cram it in LMAO).

I am so thankful for the turn of events that is my life. The people I've met. The things I've learned. And most importantly--getting to know myself more and more.

I still have people ask me what happened to Single Summer, and I don't have the most eloquent way of wording it. Basically, I fell off the wagon, right into the perfect arms. I can't even begin to describe how happy I've been the past month. Yea, its only been a month. If i look at it from an outside perspective, its disgusting how happy and cute we are. I'm smiling thinking of it right now. I don't care though. I see why so many people turn to mush, its a phenomenal feeling. I've always been picky as hell when it comes to sharing my feelings, I've always been a romance killer. That came natural, so I guess I was terrified I would potentially miss out. But what I've been even more afraid of was finding it an losing it. Its funny how natural the complete opposite feels as well. Every once in awhile I'll take a mental step back and wonder how this happened, I like playing it over and over in my noggin. Its a good story, a very lucky story.

My notorious excuse "I'm just in a really selfish point in my life right now". I don't think that was true, it felt true at the time, but really...making time isn't hard for the right person, people. I say people because I see my close friends often. Anyways, my Single Summer ended because I met the right person. Everything that I could possibly say will turn out cliche, and I hate that. But its how I feel, which I do not hate. Far from.

My wording is piss poor right now, which isn't anything new. I don't think I have the attention span to write at this moment. I just wanted to blurb on the Single Summer for a minute.

I learned a lot from it. I'm glad I tried it out. I'm even more glad that I learned from it, and met someone through it.

BOOM.

XO CaraMia

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

I've always hated change that wasn't instigated by me. I've hated a lot of things that haven't been on my own terms, which is selfish. I am well aware. However, I'm getting use to the idea that I'm not always right, but I'm usually pretty damn close. Anyways, I'm writing right now in this specific moment because I felt attacked by all the changes that have happened in the past few years of my life.

I went shopping yesterday, and the sizes I bought were smaller than what I remembered being. Shopping for bras is ultimately what brought on this crazy moment in me. It was then reiterated by folding my laundry, which I gave up on because I realized how much I need to donate...because it just sits on my floor, not fitting me or my life. Its funny how certain shirts remind you of people, moments, car rides, shows, they're photographs in their own way. Its funny how pajama pants can remind you of drunken slumber parties with long lost girlfriends. How panties can remind you of running around in the summer in your best friend's apartment. How dresses can remind you of the reason you thought you should be wearing them. Clothes are funny. And I'm about to donate a lot of them. Because they don't fit.

When I was 18, I weighed 185. Left someone, and dropped ten. And stayed at a steady 175 for a year or so. Then just in the last year I worked out hella and dropped to 145. I am proud of this. However, I don't see the shrinkage the way most people do. I'm at the healthiest I've ever been minus the dinosaurs, and yet I still see the exact same person. I'm sure that doesn't make sense. Hrm. I have never hated my body. Yea, there we go. I've always been happy in the shell that occupies my soul. I just think that yesterday was a weird moment for me, because I realized what a change had taken place with me physically. At first I was upset in a superficial way, which I am ashamed of. I shouldn't care about my size, I think I was just overwhelmed by the difference in what I use to be to what I am now. Changes are fucking weird. I didn't see them. Which then lead me to wonder what had changed mentally that I hadn't seen. I

Really, I just feel like a stronger, improved me. I have a lot of the beliefs and views that I've always had, only now I am much better at implementing them. I stand up for the ones I love and believe in. I was raised with that. "Right or wrong, as long as you're honest with me I will side by you."

I'm still the same person I have always been. However, life happens. So much has happened. I wish I wrote it all down, because I don't want to lose any of it. The good and bad, its all apart of my life. And got me to this wonderful spot I'm in right now.

I'm surrounded by the best people, I've emphasized this so much. However I think I can't get over it, I don't want to. I've always felt loved by my family, my brothers and mother have always been my world, thats changing too. We're growing up, our family is expanding. Love evolves. But I think to an extent, finding a part of my own identity was finding friends that I truly connected with. I''m not saying that to dumb down the relationships I have had in the past. The ones from the past that are still apart of my life, are relationships that exist for a reason. There are few of them, but they are there and will always be. I am so satisfied with life. I just don't want to miss a beat. I don't want to forget this. And I know there is so much more to come.

I want a typewriter.

"I'm thankful for those that I love, and those that love me"


XO CaraMia

Breakin the law breakin the law.......(well my own) Fuck it

yayaya............ So Cara and I blew it cuz apparently we are BOY CRAZY....

Or is it that we set the bar too high and we gave up...

I have been dating. Not committing though. I sure as hell like to cuddle and kiss..I am being safe at least not spreadin my legs all over town... bleh!!

I know from my maturity level that I am NOT ready to nor do I have time to give anyone else.

Just occasionally .

The guy I dated for over two months helped me learn a lot. He was sweet when he was sweet and he was a terd when he was a terd. I been dumped and I have dumped .
Men either have anger problems or mommy issues or are just plain sweethearts because they were raised right. Someday I will find someone who I can laugh and terrorize with until it is time to settle down .

I do want to have at least one child in a couple years... but time is running out and I just become more selfish with my new found alone time...
I REALLY REALLY like my space and am not about to share it..


anyways , phew..........glad I finally did this. I had been avoiding my blog entry in fear of facing the madness that is DATING IN PORTLAND.......


what do I have to say about it all in all??

Dating in Portland SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Rambling.As.Always.

I'm so stressed out right now! But summer term comes to an end tomorrow, so I am trying my best not to panic. I really do hate complaining. I hate the idea of sounding bitchy, and I hate the idea of burdening someone with my stupid problems. They aren't even problems really. Because ultimately, life is so fucking amazing. I am so happy with where I am right now. I am just stretched a little thin. Scratch that, very thin. I will live.

I'd rather be optimistic instead.

Like is fucking amazing. I know I've said this before, but I am truly surrounded by some of the best people I have ever met. Everyday I am reminded that Portland is my home because of the people that occupy it. I'm thankful for this.

Single summer. Sometimes I feel like I beat around the bush with this topic. As I said in my last blog, I am officially in a relationship. I'm ridiculously happy. I couldn't ask for a better man to be in my life. Sometimes I fret for a brief moment that its too good to be true. Then I remind myself to just enjoy every moment, I'm confident that they will last for a very long time. So many mental photos. Its funny, cause a few people have tried to say that I've fallen off the map since I started seeing someone. This kinda makes me feel awkward. Considering I never really was on the map in the first place. I've been dealing with final projects for the past two weeks. Working. Working a second gig that doesn't pay. And a calendar. Really once I'm on summer break I am just going to focus on the pizza gig and my calendar. I'm hoping by doing this my stress levels will drop. We will see. I am notorious for finishing one project and starting another directly after. :Shrug:

Anyways. Tangent, as usual.

I'm happy. Everyday I have something to look forward to, life has been like this for the past three years now. And now, I've got a group of amazing, and supportive friends to look forward to. I just wish we all didn't have crazy schedules. I guess that is apart of world domination.

Sometimes I hate blogging.
I never say everything I want.
Maybe I need a secret diary with a lock, to hide under my bed.


Here is an funny picture from my shoot with Jeff Mawer and Lucas Olson, from yesterday at Sauvies.


XO CaraMia

TANGETPALOOZA. A touch sentimental.

I'm eating a bagle with peanut butter and honey, so delicious, SOOO delicious.

I'm about to begin yet another EPIC weekend of events. I'm heading to LongBeach with some of my closest friends. I love it. We are all bunking down in a one bedroom cabin, this will be interesting. I am trying to slowly pack my things as to not forget any crucial items. So far I have blankets and sheets....yea, I know. Anyways, Mark, Jasmine, Woof, Bubba, Philly, and I are all hitting the roads around 6pm. And coming home tomorrow night after the pinup contest. Should be awesome, wait, will be awesome. Night time get away.

Anyways.

I'm doing amazing these days. Busy as always, always, always. I decided to do another pinup contest with The Fifty in Salem. I am so excited. Nathan is so much encouragement and Ellie truly inspires me. I am surrounded by some of the most influential people on my journey in life. I am always encouraged, always told how it is, and always offered ideas and suggestions to better not only myself but the things I'm doing with others. I am really thankful for that. I keep thinking of the THANKYOU letter I am going to write for my calendar, and I am terrified it will fall short of what everyone deserves. Without even knowing it, a lot of you guys have made me such a better person. With all of my fist sized heart, I appreciate and cherish it.

Jasmine and I were just talking, for some odd reason we both feel we haven't hung out in quite some time. Even though we see each other frequently. I think we are going to have to remedy this. My suggestion was drinking, dinner, drinking, hassle woofy. I think we can manage this. <3 I love my besty so much, I really can't even imagine life without her, she's opened up my eyeballs so much, and ......as I was about to type more, I realized how homosexual I was about to get. Jasmine, you're totally my girlfriend. Just so you know. I love you very much, I'd be a disaster without you. And thats why I'm rethinking my future plans, man I'm weird.

OK. I just weirded myself out. I'm going to shower and finish packing. XO


CARAMIA

Broken rules.

So I broke on the Single Summer. At first I felt guilty. But really, it is totally worth it.

I transitioned from cuddling with my best friends, to eventually dating, to full force relationship. I am disappointed in myself for not sticking to something I said I would do. But at the same time, I'm ridiculously amazed with who I've decided to keep company with. He's fucking awesome, and so sweet, and real, and down as fuck. But I'm not going to blog about him, because thats just creepy. Then again, I am a fucking creep.

I don't really know what to say about it? A lot has gone on in the past few months. Then again, a lot is always going on just within my day to day life. I think once the summer is over, I will continue blogging. I do write often, but never for public viewing. I'm always scared of hurting people's feelings, its funny. I worry more about making people feel awkward, but don't really care so much as to whether or not I am awkward. I know I'm socially retarded, and a bit of a spaz. But its far too much effort to try and mask that, so I own it. Thats a big think I've learned in the past few months. Taking ownership of my feelings. Oh, and going with the flow. The second one I am still working on. I'm down as fuck, but being that way tends to layer on a ton of commitments. Once I am on summer break, I am going to enjoy my time a bit more. Life isn't a race, I need to slow the fuck down.

Right now, I am the most stressed I've ever been. Jasmine keeps reminding me to compartmentalize. <3

I have summer classes, which is fucking crazy. Such long hours, and so much homework. My calendar is coming up on its busy phase. Finishing up shoots, and going into editing. Printing. Releasing! I am still working at Bellagio's a few nights a week, which is good. Money is always good, even though I hate dealing with it. Speaking of which, I have to send a check to the licensing office for my Esthetics license (mental note). Yea, theres a lot of chaos going on. But its all amazing things. I am surrounded by some of the best people in my whole life. And meeting more with each and every day.

I'm really happy with where I am right now. Home actually feels like home. I have amazing friends. A phenomenal family that supports my every move. My cat is still alive. All of my goals are becoming realities. And so on. I am happy.

Super fucking stressed, but happy.

Tonight I get to sew with Miss Twila, we are working on an amazing costume for an event. Speaking of events. Three of my ADX mates are coming to the Pinup Contest, this makes me so fucking happy. I never see them, and they are going to mob all the way out to Salem for support. Thank you guys.

Okay, this is such a tangent of a blog. It barely scrapes the surface of anything going on. But whatever. I am done with it.

I am going to get ready to head to Vancouver.

I love life. LOVE.

I am in an amazing mood. Today went so well, minus the dripping sweat. I had two amazing shoots with J.Allen today. Joyce the Hot Rod Lady came out with her Cherry Bomb and we took pictures for the calendar. Then I met up with Whilma and bumped gangster rap in the Galaxie until we got to the location. Did a power shoot with J.Allen. We make a fucking rad team. The shoots were a success, I want to show off the images but they are on secret mode until the calendar release!

I went and visited a buddy and got slurpees. Then I went and checked out the proofs for the prints we are doing. Then I came home, and my mama and Grandma came over. They are so fucking amazing. My mom knows me so well. When I panic, my home becomes my worse enemy. She came with cleaning supplies and a vacuum cleaner. I cut my Grandma's hair, and my mama cleaned. It sounds like something so small and uninteresting, but it meant so damn much to me. I am on ultimate busy mode, and feeling comfortable in my own home helps out so much. I'm getting sappy just thinking about it. My mom is so fucking amazing. She is my best friend and my world. We all went to Pambiche right after for some dinner. I love Cuban food SO much. They are going to swing by again Sunday for a quick minute <3 I miss my family so much, even though we live close. We all have busy lives. I'm excited to be on summer break soon and hassle the living hell out of them.

Alright, that was just a recap of my day. I guess I should get into some writing that was actually intended for this blog.

SingleSummer2010.

I have been avoiding writing about it a little. One, because I keep changing my rules. Two, because I consider everyone else. And three, I don't know.

I met someone interesting. So interesting that its kind of creepy. Then again, I'm kind of a social retard, so maybe I'm the creepy one. HAH. Not really. I am just horrid at articulating things with grace. Then again, this someone doesn't mind that. Thankfully he isn't awkward, so I can make up for the both of us. We've been hanging out a bit, and getting the feel for things. Ultimately, I made an amazing friend. Someone that forces me to think, and to believe, without even realizing it. I think I probably gain more out of this friendship than he does. I just have useless sociological information to fill his brain with. Its interesting meeting someone that has a lot of the same values and beliefs as myself, and someone that does a million things at once. This is actually really weird for me. Usually when I am running late, or fucking up, or rescheduling, or over scheduling, or planning way in advance...everyone gives me shit. "Take your time" "When are we going to hang out" "You never have free time" "Ugh you're so busy". But this is the first person that can tell me that they understand, and they totally mean it. I can dig that.

I guess I shouldn't say thats the only person. My mom is like that too. She messaged me the other day and told me to take care of myself and not over do it. I hear this often from everyone, but my mom knows me best. Jasmine is a close second. Its weird feeling like people actually get me, considering I don't really get me. I constantly doubt myself, and don't give myself much credit. But I must be doing something right in this life? I sure as hell hope so.

I've realized a part of why I am constantly on the go, I get horrid anxiety when I'm doing nothing at all. Like right now I could be sitting around doing nothing in my apartment on a Friday night. Instead, I already made a small to-do list for the evening. All little easy things. But a list none the less. I could go out, but really, I haven't spent much time to myself, and I kind of miss me. Well, I guess I spend a lot of alone time driving from place to place, but that is usually infused with road rage during the summer...so I won't count that. I just got a text from my boy Philly, haha...I might go out not. OOPS. :)

This week is my crazy week, I scheduled a handful of shoots. Have work. Homework. And hella places to be. I like it though. Its usually one chaotic week a month. I'm excited, I'm already half way through the summer term. So I will have five weeks off. I wonder how that will go. I refuse to spend it drinking everyday. I want to go on adventures! To the coast, river, and lake! Then again, so will every other Oregonian...damnit.

Anyways, this was a tangent and a half. I am going to eat some papaya and pineapple enzymes, I'm overstuffed from dinner.

End.Tangent.

XO CaraMIa


Not to brag, but I truly am blessed. I have so many good things going for me, and some of the best people in my life.