Diamond in the Rough-Day 8

Realizing you can say and do what you want without getting in trouble or hurting someone is empowering.
I can talk to anyone I want. I am only loyal to myself and my friends.

I now have this thickened skin that will keep me from getting hurt again.
Before , I would have gotten myself in situations if I wasnt staying away from dating.

My phone is still blowing up . I have to say no a lot. Only some guys get it . Some dont . Its too bad.. but Its not my responsibility anymore to make any of them happy.
I always wanted to please .. but it just caused pain in the end.

I love that its Friday.. I can do ANYTHING I want !!

Love Dottie

Today's the day today.

I find it interesting how I can go to bed completely defeated and wake up completely anew.

I wish I was better with my words, and that I knew how to make everyone happy without compromising myself--but I'm piss poor with words, I always say the wrong thing with an even worse side note, and I don't know how to keep everyone happy..its one or the other. Last night I kept asking myself, why couldn't I keep my mouth shut? Maybe if I never said anything and picked my battles more wisely we wouldn't be doing this right now. However, I know me. I know I spill everything that runs across my brain for a reason...if I hold it in, it becomes a huge, angry mess. And I also don't believe in keeping secrets, I don't believe in hiding anything. Simply because If I don't tell you what's on my mind, how the fuck are you supposed to know? I assumed that is a two way street, but not everyone drives down it. If you don't speak to me, I may have an idea what's going on but ultimately I have no fucking clue what your thoughts and comprehension amount up to.I take things very literal, if you don't say it or blatantly act it out..then to me it does not quite exist.

Its funny, My solution generally is to ignore these kind of difficulties and move on, but I'm getting soft in my old age!
I think I generally prefer to think with my head, and not with my heart.

However, like I said...today is a new day. The sun is trickling in and out of my morning which is great, and its a Friday. Which means I am going to visit my family, and my Thomas kitty. These are good things. Tomorrow is action packed, and Sunday is going to be spent playing catch up.

Oh.

Other thoughts.

I am convinced boys can smell abstinence. They are sharks. I'm scared I'm going to come out of this four month period more angry than resolved. I sat in the Chit Chat Cafe studying statistics for two hours, and during the course of that time three guys felt it appropriate to try and spark a conversation with me. REALLY? I was fucking studying, go away. I've also been analyzing all the relationships with my guy friends, who is really actually one of my guy friends? And who just pretends. One of my friends calls those type of dude friends "vultures", which I find very fitting. Waiting til you're weak to pounce, that coming from the bird of prey. I see all of your tactics! I'm not fucking retarded. I may be boy crazy, and a total flirt, NO MEANS NO. '

I'm no man hater, I'm just shocked by reality.

This was all random and all over the place. Enjoy.

CaraMia

Dottie Diamond-Day 7

It took a storm to calm me down. I am done being so ridiculous and over dramatic.
I really am just best at expressing myself writing (or texting )

I am meeting with the hair school I applied to on Monday. Classes start in September . My interview with Starbucks went really well but I am on a list to be hired "next" ..I wasnt enthusiastic enough about Coffee..? fuck a-round...
whatev - I will wait.. push the PUMS with Emily.. but not too long I have to get a job so I can move out of my BGF's bedroom and move my things from Darrells house...
My lord I am really getting this personal?....
I am so glad I dont have to tell anyone where I am or feel obligated to do anything and I can still cuddle my BGF .. My sex drive is confused.. I am afraid pleasing myself too much could start to get obsessive lol.... I guess I should ask someone who is used to being single how they do?

thats hot..
just sayin ..lol

Love Dottie

Dottie Diamond- day 7- new leaf

Fuck a Round...........
I finally can exhale as I have been holding my breath the past couple weeks. I had been crying, not enjoying anything, teetering on a thin line we can call desperation..
All I wanted was someone to tell me if I was wasting my time or to shut that switch that makes me give a fuck.
I was trying my best to do the right thing. I cared too much about the wrong thing..
all I needed was an answer. I got it last night. The biggest blow out drama fest ever. I admit I over did it and couldnt keep my cool. If you know me well , you know the phrase "I am fucking nice" was born because I am the type of girl that you can try to start shit with and I will most likely walk away. No thanks... I been in fights before. I am a grown up now..
But in this case.. I couldnt walk away. I refused to not stand up for myself . I never been so humiliated and hurt. I screamed and cried.. I acted wrong..give me a break. That was the peak and now I can move on. I didnt start it no matter if he admits it. Which he hasnt still. Whatev. I am glad I know now what to do with my life.
I dont have to wonder if I made the right decision or not.
I know I did. I will never be with someone that tries to humiliate me again.
I am SO GLAD to be single and not have to trust anyone with my love again..

Single Summer 2010 I love you

Love
Dottie

Enjoy yourself, take only what you need from it.

I'm all over the place today, but most of it got pushed aside because I helped out my besty, I love that girl so fucking much. Family is what you make of it, and I'm thankful to have those in Aloha, and those in Portland. If only I could merge the two. I guess I'm still growing use to the idea of living on my own and traveling back and forth. I know I'm almost 23, but the idea of leaving the coop for good is still settling strangely. Sometimes I'm okay with it though. Lately, not so much. I may have to put down my cat. He is my one true love, and been there through it all. He's old, and its unfair for me to keep him in pain for my own selfish dependence on him. He's supposed to go to the vet sometime this week to find out whether or not his time has come. I'm handling this a lot better than the first few days. The first few days, all I did was cry and eat. Oreos have stored themselves around my belly, so I shall hit the gym tomorrow after class.

Speaking of tomorrow, I've got a lot going on. I guess I'll find out how the rest of the day will go based off of the morning. I shall keep you posted. I heard from the boy today, I think I did more damage than I originally thought. Which makes my stomach hurt, I fucking HATE hurting people. Unless they deserve it, but even then, I cringe. I'm getting soft in these older years. I miss the teenage days when heartbreak meant nothing, and the rebound was painless. I feel like I lose more and more each time I try. Someone specific comes to mind, but I really don't know if its appropriate to list names. So I won't.

I think I need to stop dwelling so much on what is going on, and focus on being in the groove of me. Family. Friends. School. Work. Modeling. Calendar. And so on. Focus, focus, focus. I am excited for the summer, I think that has given me a ton of drive for this time frame. There will be a lot to do, and a lot to keep my mind occupied with. Sometimes I dread looking at my day planner, but I think I prefer it more than blank slots. Blank slots makes the mind wander.

I wish I wrote earlier when I had a lot on my mind, however, I just took a hot shower and am feeling pretty optimistic. I'll go on that note.

-CaraMia

Dottie Diamond in the Rough- Day 5

Good morning. I hope that I can sleep better tonight. My brain wouldnt shut off and I randomly got a bunch of mean yelling text messages from my ex..
Somehow this SS2010 has a lot to do with both mine and Nikki's Ex's.. In my case , I woke up from a five month nap. Avoiding things was wrong and destructive. All I get now is anger and impatience from the person that was always loving and forgiving. I was not honest. Its my own fault.

Jealousy and panic consumes me . I can't help but want to try to get my my baby daddy back even though I made so many wrong choices to make things near impossible to fix.
I cant understand why I feel that way.
I need this time to decide what I want. How could I not care about someone enough to push them away for months and now realise I made a mistake..
There is a kid involved... I love him so much . We had a family .

I am going to get a job today. I have a plan of action but its not good enough. Nothing feels good enough. I havent felt right in months.

I thought I was a good person. I dont like questioning myself.

I have four months to prove to myself I know what I want and I love myself again.

-Dottie

The silent treatment.

I feel like a child. Did I really get the cold shoulder during my whole shift? Maybe I deserve that. I can't let this bother me. Today is the 25th, wow only four days. Fuck. Oh well. I think I might have to change a small rule for myself. I shall only cuddle with friends, and by friends I mean ONLY Jasmine or Mikey. Because they are trustworthy amigos. I don't know if this is a for sure thing, well haha I know Jasmine is.

She bought me icecream today because she knows that sweets cure all. I ate a Snickers with almonds on my break today to sweeten up the silence. I feel like I shouldn't say much about it on here. But let it be known! I am pretending I don't care. Shh.

My stomach is full of salad, I'm going to cuddle up with a book and read myself to sleep.

Tomorrow is only two hours and fifteen minutes away, and a new day.

CaraMia

Under pressure.

Today was good. A few days deep. I would settle for some hand holding action right now. I don't think I care for this disconnect too much. I've been somewhat of a hermit the past day and a half. Yesterday I hid out at home, did things around the apartment. Cleaned, studied, ate. Then towards the evening I participated in the biggest man hating fest I have ever encountered. But it was somewhat comforting. I love my girls. Laura and Cricket were really supportive. We've decided that being boy crazy is a horrible curse.

Today was good with only a slight bump in the road. I keep thinking about the ex, I fucking HATE hurting people. HATE HATE HATE. I tend to put my feelings aside so that everyone else is happy. I'm not doing that this time, and I really need to stop beating myself up. I'll work on that one.

I'm going to take myself a much needed hot bath, and then watch a few of the women empowering movies that Jazzy lent me. Sex scenes much? Haha. I'm a pervert.

I'm insanely full of chicken tikka masala.

And I appreciate the respect someone has been giving me about the 4 month rule. The encouragement seriously means so much to me. I really don't know how many people understand the rationalization process I had to go through for this. I am a boy crazy type of girl, and need to learn how to be just a girl. Or something stupid like that. Overall this is good. I just like cuddling!!!!

Okay, bath, and then Matching Point with Scarlette Johansen.


-CaraMia

Diamond in the rough-Day 4 for Dottie Diamond

Well , this will be about the most personal I will ever get online. I almost didnt want to say much about my god damn "feelings" .. I have ignored them and pushed them so far down the past five months I didnt realize what they meant really.
Now after bottling them up and distracting myself from dealing with my decisions , they have come pouring out like the Niagra falls.

I am the type of girl that has been in constant , long term, serious relationships. I have never had more than a few weeks being alone.

Six months ago I broke up with Darrell. We were engaged , together for four years and raise a seven year old together. The chaos has never stopped. I had dated two people already since him and I am finally alone. I had never fully let go of him. I loved him too much . But I kept distracting myself running from my feelings for him. When I was on my trip in Vegas three weeks ago ,I had a lot of time on the road back to think. It hit me. I was SO home sick. I missed Darrell so much I had all these feelings arise I hadnt felt . I wanted to figure them out . When I had gotten back I confessed to him but while I was in Vegas it was too late. He had met someone else.

I was already in a panic state. I talked to Nikki and we decided on this pact. We will stay single for four months and I will find out what I want out of a relationship if at all . I told Darrell this. I admitted my mistakes . I was a selfish jerk and am sorry for hurting him. He shut me out and got with this new girl. Suddenly he is different . He doesnt care anymore and I have to adjust to seeing him all the time still (because of our son) but be treated like just his "ex"

So it begins.... The new me... The feelings I been running from have flooded my heart. I live with my Best girlfriend and am unemployed. I have a lot of side jobs but nothing right now seems appealing . Nothing makes me feel good today. I am not myself at all. I gotta eat this foot long shit sandwich and deal with the bitter taste I am left with.. Give me a break if I sound depressed. I will hopefully bounce back. It will be a while though. I feel broken more than I ever have.

Now I will sit and fill out a starbucks application because tomorrow I am getting a regular job. A new vow. A new life. A new me.
This diamond is in the rough.

-Dottie

Testing! 1.2.3...

Alrighty, Dottie and I are going to be blogging this bitch up.

We decided on April 21st that we would both refrain from any sort of dating for the next four months. We are going to make it through the summer without cuddling, dating, sexing--all of it. This may sound like a ridiculously easy task for a lot of people, but this is a big deal to us.

I know that I find myself in strange dating situations all the time, that is probably because I am strange. But right now, I feel that I'm at a point in my life where I need to really focus on myself, and the people that are closest to me.

Dot and I both have different reasons as to why we are doing this, however, the support from one another is much needed. I'm anticipating a roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, and changes.

I think it will be best to write this down.

-Cara