Well , this will be about the most personal I will ever get online. I almost didnt want to say much about my god damn "feelings" .. I have ignored them and pushed them so far down the past five months I didnt realize what they meant really.
Now after bottling them up and distracting myself from dealing with my decisions , they have come pouring out like the Niagra falls.
I am the type of girl that has been in constant , long term, serious relationships. I have never had more than a few weeks being alone.
Six months ago I broke up with Darrell. We were engaged , together for four years and raise a seven year old together. The chaos has never stopped. I had dated two people already since him and I am finally alone. I had never fully let go of him. I loved him too much . But I kept distracting myself running from my feelings for him. When I was on my trip in Vegas three weeks ago ,I had a lot of time on the road back to think. It hit me. I was SO home sick. I missed Darrell so much I had all these feelings arise I hadnt felt . I wanted to figure them out . When I had gotten back I confessed to him but while I was in Vegas it was too late. He had met someone else.
I was already in a panic state. I talked to Nikki and we decided on this pact. We will stay single for four months and I will find out what I want out of a relationship if at all . I told Darrell this. I admitted my mistakes . I was a selfish jerk and am sorry for hurting him. He shut me out and got with this new girl. Suddenly he is different . He doesnt care anymore and I have to adjust to seeing him all the time still (because of our son) but be treated like just his "ex"
So it begins.... The new me... The feelings I been running from have flooded my heart. I live with my Best girlfriend and am unemployed. I have a lot of side jobs but nothing right now seems appealing . Nothing makes me feel good today. I am not myself at all. I gotta eat this foot long shit sandwich and deal with the bitter taste I am left with.. Give me a break if I sound depressed. I will hopefully bounce back. It will be a while though. I feel broken more than I ever have.
Now I will sit and fill out a starbucks application because tomorrow I am getting a regular job. A new vow. A new life. A new me.
This diamond is in the rough.
-Dottie
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Dottie this is a good growing period. And I think a new job would help you feel better too, staying active is always good, but it doesn't mean you have to ignore your feelers. I think acknowledging them is the first step to dealing with them.
ReplyDeletexo.
Cara