I'll believe in anything.

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything
said I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn

and I could take another hit for you
and I could take away your trips from you
and I could take away the salt from your eyes
and take away the spitting salt in you
and I could give you my apologies
by handing over my neologies
and I could take away the shaking knees
and I could give you all the olive trees
oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way
About your blood
your bones
your voice
and ghost
because nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way

-------------------------------
I'm scared to write in this blog these days, I'm scared of a lot these days. Mostly people. I'm thinking I'll snap out of it soon. I'll just keep pushing through. I'll keep a huge smile on my face :) I'm turning 23 next month, I'm still young. But I feel like I don't know a damn thing.

CaraMia

PS-Laughing hard at my picture choice, I told you I was scared!

Day 34-One Single Diamond

Well.... I can say I am stilllllllll single!

I have to confess that I slipped up and made out with a guy... Cuddling doesnt work or at least for me at this time in my life. My will is not strong enough. I really am just a girl... I am learning from my mistakes. Making that kind of contact only makes healing and understanding myself take longer and become more confusing . But I obviously feel it was worth it...
Plus , I am a grown up and can make my own choices. The point of all this is not rushing into a relationship and making the best choices while learning about my behaviors.

I have been dealing with THE HARDEST times.. My 7 year old boy has some sickness that is unknown. Strange redness on his skin almost a rash but not . Have had to go the the ER and the hospital for bloodwork, xrays and biopsy .. It could be very serious or it could run its course. . They are unsure. He has a hard time walking.. I have been carrying him and pushing him in a wheel chair..
He doesnt deserve to go through this... The guilt of the break up just weighs me down more. I wish I was there like I was before at this crucial time...my baby... ugh..

well, One day at a time...

First things first though...

Some days are better than others.

Last week was intense in the life of CaraMIa. So I retreated into my Nikki land. I spent a lot of time at home, hung out with great friends and spent time with my Gato Thomas. I'm really pleased with this. I was a little stressed out. All is well now, and I'm prepared to dominate.

Today is the mark of Dottie and my first month.

I've been working on a list of things that I'm interested in when it comes to a partner. And it got sloppy, very sloppy. I enjoy things fitting into perfect boxes--for the most part. And decided my first route for list making was a flop. I took another route. And I am really happy with it. I will share it when I am 100% satisfied with it. I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I want to wait out all summer with solitude, this morning I didn't. Right now, I do. This whole time frame is about me figuring out myself, and observing those around me. Yes.

I am in a bit of a hurry, so this blog won't be too interesting. I just wanted to document my good mood. I'm about to go to lunch with Jayla, and play around town. I think I will stay in tonight and rent movies. I forget how much I love my own company.

I love me.

xoCaraFuckingMia

Diamond day 26

I have finally figured it out...

I am being tested.. not one thing could go wrong now..

I just have to wait..

I love that its raining outside and I just want to cuddle .. I got my little sweet pea .

This blog entry is just so boring so far but I feel like not telling what really is going on because its so personal?..

I just want ...

To cuddle
for starbucks to give me a freakin job already
money
car insurance/health insurance
my ADHD medication
my car to stop smoking out the tail pipe
my own room/apartment
a new vibrator and a place to use it

is that too much to ask?!!

yep I made it personal now ...

;)

Guess I will look for jobs online and edit photos.


Love
Dottie

Learning.

I'm trying to take my time figuring everything out. I'm coming up on one whole month of solitude. I guess I can't really call it solitude, I have a lot of amazing people in my life. I always thought of myself as a good listener, and observer...but lately with this imaginary wall between myself and others--I find myself taking in a bit more than usual when it coms to conversations. I hold on to more, I understand more, and I remember more. Watching people talk when they think you aren't listening, is extremely entertaining. Unfortunately I think I'm becoming a touch more cynical, and finding some sort of sick game out of this. I don't want to become a man hater. I do enjoy their company, but too many people right now are acting as if they are the one that are going to change all of this and make my mind up for me. Heh...

Oh well.

I keep pretty busy these days. Which makes me happy, exhausted...but happy. I am doing well in my one class this term. I had a jam packed week for CaraMia. Casting call, photo shoots, BitterSweethearts and so on to infinity. I've decided I am going to take this upcoming week off. Until the weekend. I start shooting for my calendar this upcoming Saturday. I am also contemplating joining the Pinup Dollies, they are sweet girls. I just don't know if I have enough time to dedicate to the group. We shall see.

Hmm.

Speaking of modeling and such. One of my good friends, of FOREVER. Thought my pictures were hot, and that meant we should go on a date. I'm glad I don't have a bitchin personality, or anything else worth taking out on a date. This really stung. Dottie has been helping me out a lot in this kind of department. Understanding how far my kindness can go while still being professional, and not giving the wrong idea. I contemplate getting rid of CaraMia, and just being Nikki. So there is no confusion. Just a girl that plays dress up :)

Anyways, I guess all of this was a round about way of saying that I am learning to listen. I am happy about this. I guess I didn't pay as much attention to the meaning of things before hand.

Meh.

Nap time. Work time. Sleep time.
Tomorrow is the first day of my week off :)


XOX CARA FUCKING MIA.

Day 24 for tough as DIAMONDS

So ... Never in my life have I had more offers for dates or go out for a "drink"....

It is what I like to do lately.. I love to go out, go to shows and have some drinks! I went from a controlling mom to a controlling boyfriend to being a full time Mom..
Of course I am taking advantage of it!

But I have to learn to change how honest and upfront I am to advances..

I like to compliment people when its honest! I like to flirt... I like to be open with what is going on in my life or how I feel... I hate being vague or not understanding what people mean/feel.. What is the point??

I am craving intimacy though... every time I hug a guy I can feel their body against mine it drives me INSANE! Its not been that long .. day 24 ?! how ridiculous.... Maybe I have an addiction? I had a sexual dream last night about making out with someone . Really slow and soft and open mouth it was perfect and turned me on so much ......AHHHHH...

I just miss hanging out around guys... I stay away because its too hard to find ones I can trust to respect my boundaries or tempt me..

I need some guy friends god damnit!!

love

Dottie

Day 20 for D.D.

Its hardly even been a month and I have a whole new outlook.

The struggle of accepting my reality has been brutal. Yeah , I sound mega dramatic...oh well... If you hang out with me you wont hear any of this .

I fill my time with laughing , telling jokes and hanging out with my girlfriends.
It has been great. Learning to make a relationship work with my BGF has changed how I feel about so much.

One thing I have learned is critisism and judgment does absolutely nothing for anyone . People will do what they want no matter what. They will just end up directing their anger on to you and maybe prolonging the issue.
I love people. I have always been the most forgiving person, I like to think. But this new outlook has made me feel better about life in general. I am getting really excited for this new life ahead of me.

Moving into my new place next month . Starting over.... HOW FUCKING AWESOME!


Now I just have to learn how to take care of sexual frustration and build some friendships with men. I have already succeeded . I can flirt and say whatever because they know my situation and feelings about things..
I am indifferent about sex right now. But boys are SO freakin hot ....

love

Dottie

Hold on to this feeling.

I woke up with plans that didn't follow through, which is totally understandable. It meant that I got to curl up with Thomas Kitty for another hour or so. I was contemplating heading to ADX to hassle my beloved mother<3 But she works the graveyard and won't be up until 2:30ish, and I work at 5:30. So I am going to harass her tomorrow with my love. BOOSH.

So until then, I'm sitting in my well lit apartment, watching my cat bask in the sunlight, and starting on my essay for Sociology of Women. I almost want to go lay outside and write, but that would require putting on real clothes.

I feel amazing right now, a full night of sleep, followed by a morning of sunshine puts me into an amazing mood.

I'm feeling funky fresh.



-CaraMia

Transfer.

I'm sitting here transferring the life of my macbook into my new netbook, its tedious and time consuming. However, it must be done. I will not lost all my music, again.

I keep wanting to write about things that cross my mind but have been finding it difficult to open up via blog. I am under the impression a lot of people are checking this out, which is great, but at the same time I makes me not want to open up completely. I'm worried people will take things to heart, or get defensive or something to that extent. Oh well.

I just realized today that in the past 17days I have dodged kisses from three different men. How the fuck does this happen? Jasmine and I were talking about it, she read the letter that my neighbor shoved under my door and laughed. We then tried to figure out how the hell I meet so many guys that instantly find weird flirty comments to be acceptable. She said that she hasn't had anyone try and say awkward inappropriate shit to her, which then made me over analyze myself.

I'm under the impression people open up to me because I am very casual and for the most part I am not quick to judge. Therefore they think they can say weird awkward comments to me. If the weird awkward comment is executed well, then its just funny. Otherwise, it tends to be creepy. And I am thankful to have so many rad dude friends that have got my back when it comes to creepers, and my amazing buddy Jazzy who defends my honor.

I tend to act stupid when people flirt with me. DUHHHH, what?

I do like this abstinence kick though, I feel like I am doing a better job of observing people and getting to know them. HAHA its only day 17, how funny. There's so much more time ahead of Dottie and I. Which for the most part I don't mind. However, I think when I transition back into dating, it will be a scary place!

Yea, super scary. Fucking vultures!


Time for bed, Jazzy and I are going jogging tomorrow morning.
Then I'm visiting my mama.
Then I'm working.

-CaraMia

Dottie Diamond in the ROUGH n TOUGH

I am just fine.......

or I am FUCKING pissed .

All I feel like is terrorizing this earth with ridiculous sarcastic jokes.

I had the best time yesterday. It really does feel awesome to be my own person .



Oh ! Randomly someone from California sent Darrell a Douche bag and enema kit in a package??
I swear I didnt do it. FOR REAL....

he asked wtf.. I said well, Someone must think your a douche.. he asked -but an enema kit?? I replied , they must think your an asshole too..

Get over it they all say... Sure .. alright...
for now I am a tyrant and loving it...

G O O D T I M E S

Love

Dot

Mental Notes

Last night my neighbor kid and I talked for a bit about all sorts of randomness, and just rambled about this and that. One of the questions that he asked me was "what is a friend to you", and for the past three or four years I have been trying to figure out who my real friends are. And I feel like I still am figuring this out, especially now that I'm venturing into this four month solitude period. I've heard all sorts of interesting things that have got my mind thinking. "I can wait four months", "I just want to get to know you", "I'm not hitting on you", "I don't want you to think of me aIs one of those stupid boys that are chaseing you", "I'm not a boy". Its been weird. I generally take people as they are and usually everyone starts off with a clean slate, but I'm realizing how little I actually listen to what people say. I take things too literal from people, with no hidden meanings, but the more I pay attention, the more I realize that not everything is straight forward.

I don't dig that. I am literal, and I try not to mess with anyone's noggin.

Anyways. What is a friend. I've been dwelling on this since last night, and cannot come up with a clean, singular solution. However, I know that I have a handful of real people in my life, that I know that right or wrong that they will be there for me and vise versa. I know that I've been having a weird disconnect with Aloha, but I'm realizing that there is a difference between friends and life friends. I like those life friends. Aloha, you few know who you few are. Portland,you know who you are without a doubt. I may not have the right words for it, but I'm pretty sure you can feel it.

Okay.

Speaking of friends, Thomas Kitty is moving in with me today! I just bought him some stuffs and am taking him to SW in a few hours. BOOSH <3

YO GABBA GABBA!

CaraMia

"I'm not a boy."

I've been thinking a lot lately, then again, I usually am. But lately its been across a broad range of things. Ultimately I am happy though. I have good things going on, the weather is clearing up, there are awesome people in my life, I am bringing Thomas Kitty to my home, and world domination is in full effect.

I don't really have anything to say right now, I try and make mental notes through out the day and events that take place in hopes that I can hash them out with words later...then I forget. I had a few interesting conversations last night. I don't really know what to do with them. So I will just keep busy as to not set myself into panic mode

"and my tongue is the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart

I have tons of new music, it makes me happy. And I'm not even done yet. Still organizing and listening.

Okay this blog is pointless, I tried. I'm off to study statistics for my exam tomorrow. FACK.

-CaraMia