Timing is key?

So this Saturday, August 21st, is when our Single Summer was supposed to end. I only remember this because it is scribbled down in my day planner and its been daunting me the past couple days. I realized I wouldn't have time to write about the past four months on the 21st, so I will cram it in right now (heh, cram it in LMAO).

I am so thankful for the turn of events that is my life. The people I've met. The things I've learned. And most importantly--getting to know myself more and more.

I still have people ask me what happened to Single Summer, and I don't have the most eloquent way of wording it. Basically, I fell off the wagon, right into the perfect arms. I can't even begin to describe how happy I've been the past month. Yea, its only been a month. If i look at it from an outside perspective, its disgusting how happy and cute we are. I'm smiling thinking of it right now. I don't care though. I see why so many people turn to mush, its a phenomenal feeling. I've always been picky as hell when it comes to sharing my feelings, I've always been a romance killer. That came natural, so I guess I was terrified I would potentially miss out. But what I've been even more afraid of was finding it an losing it. Its funny how natural the complete opposite feels as well. Every once in awhile I'll take a mental step back and wonder how this happened, I like playing it over and over in my noggin. Its a good story, a very lucky story.

My notorious excuse "I'm just in a really selfish point in my life right now". I don't think that was true, it felt true at the time, but really...making time isn't hard for the right person, people. I say people because I see my close friends often. Anyways, my Single Summer ended because I met the right person. Everything that I could possibly say will turn out cliche, and I hate that. But its how I feel, which I do not hate. Far from.

My wording is piss poor right now, which isn't anything new. I don't think I have the attention span to write at this moment. I just wanted to blurb on the Single Summer for a minute.

I learned a lot from it. I'm glad I tried it out. I'm even more glad that I learned from it, and met someone through it.

BOOM.

XO CaraMia

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

I've always hated change that wasn't instigated by me. I've hated a lot of things that haven't been on my own terms, which is selfish. I am well aware. However, I'm getting use to the idea that I'm not always right, but I'm usually pretty damn close. Anyways, I'm writing right now in this specific moment because I felt attacked by all the changes that have happened in the past few years of my life.

I went shopping yesterday, and the sizes I bought were smaller than what I remembered being. Shopping for bras is ultimately what brought on this crazy moment in me. It was then reiterated by folding my laundry, which I gave up on because I realized how much I need to donate...because it just sits on my floor, not fitting me or my life. Its funny how certain shirts remind you of people, moments, car rides, shows, they're photographs in their own way. Its funny how pajama pants can remind you of drunken slumber parties with long lost girlfriends. How panties can remind you of running around in the summer in your best friend's apartment. How dresses can remind you of the reason you thought you should be wearing them. Clothes are funny. And I'm about to donate a lot of them. Because they don't fit.

When I was 18, I weighed 185. Left someone, and dropped ten. And stayed at a steady 175 for a year or so. Then just in the last year I worked out hella and dropped to 145. I am proud of this. However, I don't see the shrinkage the way most people do. I'm at the healthiest I've ever been minus the dinosaurs, and yet I still see the exact same person. I'm sure that doesn't make sense. Hrm. I have never hated my body. Yea, there we go. I've always been happy in the shell that occupies my soul. I just think that yesterday was a weird moment for me, because I realized what a change had taken place with me physically. At first I was upset in a superficial way, which I am ashamed of. I shouldn't care about my size, I think I was just overwhelmed by the difference in what I use to be to what I am now. Changes are fucking weird. I didn't see them. Which then lead me to wonder what had changed mentally that I hadn't seen. I

Really, I just feel like a stronger, improved me. I have a lot of the beliefs and views that I've always had, only now I am much better at implementing them. I stand up for the ones I love and believe in. I was raised with that. "Right or wrong, as long as you're honest with me I will side by you."

I'm still the same person I have always been. However, life happens. So much has happened. I wish I wrote it all down, because I don't want to lose any of it. The good and bad, its all apart of my life. And got me to this wonderful spot I'm in right now.

I'm surrounded by the best people, I've emphasized this so much. However I think I can't get over it, I don't want to. I've always felt loved by my family, my brothers and mother have always been my world, thats changing too. We're growing up, our family is expanding. Love evolves. But I think to an extent, finding a part of my own identity was finding friends that I truly connected with. I''m not saying that to dumb down the relationships I have had in the past. The ones from the past that are still apart of my life, are relationships that exist for a reason. There are few of them, but they are there and will always be. I am so satisfied with life. I just don't want to miss a beat. I don't want to forget this. And I know there is so much more to come.

I want a typewriter.

"I'm thankful for those that I love, and those that love me"


XO CaraMia

Breakin the law breakin the law.......(well my own) Fuck it

yayaya............ So Cara and I blew it cuz apparently we are BOY CRAZY....

Or is it that we set the bar too high and we gave up...

I have been dating. Not committing though. I sure as hell like to cuddle and kiss..I am being safe at least not spreadin my legs all over town... bleh!!

I know from my maturity level that I am NOT ready to nor do I have time to give anyone else.

Just occasionally .

The guy I dated for over two months helped me learn a lot. He was sweet when he was sweet and he was a terd when he was a terd. I been dumped and I have dumped .
Men either have anger problems or mommy issues or are just plain sweethearts because they were raised right. Someday I will find someone who I can laugh and terrorize with until it is time to settle down .

I do want to have at least one child in a couple years... but time is running out and I just become more selfish with my new found alone time...
I REALLY REALLY like my space and am not about to share it..


anyways , phew..........glad I finally did this. I had been avoiding my blog entry in fear of facing the madness that is DATING IN PORTLAND.......


what do I have to say about it all in all??

Dating in Portland SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Rambling.As.Always.

I'm so stressed out right now! But summer term comes to an end tomorrow, so I am trying my best not to panic. I really do hate complaining. I hate the idea of sounding bitchy, and I hate the idea of burdening someone with my stupid problems. They aren't even problems really. Because ultimately, life is so fucking amazing. I am so happy with where I am right now. I am just stretched a little thin. Scratch that, very thin. I will live.

I'd rather be optimistic instead.

Like is fucking amazing. I know I've said this before, but I am truly surrounded by some of the best people I have ever met. Everyday I am reminded that Portland is my home because of the people that occupy it. I'm thankful for this.

Single summer. Sometimes I feel like I beat around the bush with this topic. As I said in my last blog, I am officially in a relationship. I'm ridiculously happy. I couldn't ask for a better man to be in my life. Sometimes I fret for a brief moment that its too good to be true. Then I remind myself to just enjoy every moment, I'm confident that they will last for a very long time. So many mental photos. Its funny, cause a few people have tried to say that I've fallen off the map since I started seeing someone. This kinda makes me feel awkward. Considering I never really was on the map in the first place. I've been dealing with final projects for the past two weeks. Working. Working a second gig that doesn't pay. And a calendar. Really once I'm on summer break I am just going to focus on the pizza gig and my calendar. I'm hoping by doing this my stress levels will drop. We will see. I am notorious for finishing one project and starting another directly after. :Shrug:

Anyways. Tangent, as usual.

I'm happy. Everyday I have something to look forward to, life has been like this for the past three years now. And now, I've got a group of amazing, and supportive friends to look forward to. I just wish we all didn't have crazy schedules. I guess that is apart of world domination.

Sometimes I hate blogging.
I never say everything I want.
Maybe I need a secret diary with a lock, to hide under my bed.


Here is an funny picture from my shoot with Jeff Mawer and Lucas Olson, from yesterday at Sauvies.


XO CaraMia

TANGETPALOOZA. A touch sentimental.

I'm eating a bagle with peanut butter and honey, so delicious, SOOO delicious.

I'm about to begin yet another EPIC weekend of events. I'm heading to LongBeach with some of my closest friends. I love it. We are all bunking down in a one bedroom cabin, this will be interesting. I am trying to slowly pack my things as to not forget any crucial items. So far I have blankets and sheets....yea, I know. Anyways, Mark, Jasmine, Woof, Bubba, Philly, and I are all hitting the roads around 6pm. And coming home tomorrow night after the pinup contest. Should be awesome, wait, will be awesome. Night time get away.

Anyways.

I'm doing amazing these days. Busy as always, always, always. I decided to do another pinup contest with The Fifty in Salem. I am so excited. Nathan is so much encouragement and Ellie truly inspires me. I am surrounded by some of the most influential people on my journey in life. I am always encouraged, always told how it is, and always offered ideas and suggestions to better not only myself but the things I'm doing with others. I am really thankful for that. I keep thinking of the THANKYOU letter I am going to write for my calendar, and I am terrified it will fall short of what everyone deserves. Without even knowing it, a lot of you guys have made me such a better person. With all of my fist sized heart, I appreciate and cherish it.

Jasmine and I were just talking, for some odd reason we both feel we haven't hung out in quite some time. Even though we see each other frequently. I think we are going to have to remedy this. My suggestion was drinking, dinner, drinking, hassle woofy. I think we can manage this. <3 I love my besty so much, I really can't even imagine life without her, she's opened up my eyeballs so much, and ......as I was about to type more, I realized how homosexual I was about to get. Jasmine, you're totally my girlfriend. Just so you know. I love you very much, I'd be a disaster without you. And thats why I'm rethinking my future plans, man I'm weird.

OK. I just weirded myself out. I'm going to shower and finish packing. XO


CARAMIA

Broken rules.

So I broke on the Single Summer. At first I felt guilty. But really, it is totally worth it.

I transitioned from cuddling with my best friends, to eventually dating, to full force relationship. I am disappointed in myself for not sticking to something I said I would do. But at the same time, I'm ridiculously amazed with who I've decided to keep company with. He's fucking awesome, and so sweet, and real, and down as fuck. But I'm not going to blog about him, because thats just creepy. Then again, I am a fucking creep.

I don't really know what to say about it? A lot has gone on in the past few months. Then again, a lot is always going on just within my day to day life. I think once the summer is over, I will continue blogging. I do write often, but never for public viewing. I'm always scared of hurting people's feelings, its funny. I worry more about making people feel awkward, but don't really care so much as to whether or not I am awkward. I know I'm socially retarded, and a bit of a spaz. But its far too much effort to try and mask that, so I own it. Thats a big think I've learned in the past few months. Taking ownership of my feelings. Oh, and going with the flow. The second one I am still working on. I'm down as fuck, but being that way tends to layer on a ton of commitments. Once I am on summer break, I am going to enjoy my time a bit more. Life isn't a race, I need to slow the fuck down.

Right now, I am the most stressed I've ever been. Jasmine keeps reminding me to compartmentalize. <3

I have summer classes, which is fucking crazy. Such long hours, and so much homework. My calendar is coming up on its busy phase. Finishing up shoots, and going into editing. Printing. Releasing! I am still working at Bellagio's a few nights a week, which is good. Money is always good, even though I hate dealing with it. Speaking of which, I have to send a check to the licensing office for my Esthetics license (mental note). Yea, theres a lot of chaos going on. But its all amazing things. I am surrounded by some of the best people in my whole life. And meeting more with each and every day.

I'm really happy with where I am right now. Home actually feels like home. I have amazing friends. A phenomenal family that supports my every move. My cat is still alive. All of my goals are becoming realities. And so on. I am happy.

Super fucking stressed, but happy.

Tonight I get to sew with Miss Twila, we are working on an amazing costume for an event. Speaking of events. Three of my ADX mates are coming to the Pinup Contest, this makes me so fucking happy. I never see them, and they are going to mob all the way out to Salem for support. Thank you guys.

Okay, this is such a tangent of a blog. It barely scrapes the surface of anything going on. But whatever. I am done with it.

I am going to get ready to head to Vancouver.

I love life. LOVE.

I am in an amazing mood. Today went so well, minus the dripping sweat. I had two amazing shoots with J.Allen today. Joyce the Hot Rod Lady came out with her Cherry Bomb and we took pictures for the calendar. Then I met up with Whilma and bumped gangster rap in the Galaxie until we got to the location. Did a power shoot with J.Allen. We make a fucking rad team. The shoots were a success, I want to show off the images but they are on secret mode until the calendar release!

I went and visited a buddy and got slurpees. Then I went and checked out the proofs for the prints we are doing. Then I came home, and my mama and Grandma came over. They are so fucking amazing. My mom knows me so well. When I panic, my home becomes my worse enemy. She came with cleaning supplies and a vacuum cleaner. I cut my Grandma's hair, and my mama cleaned. It sounds like something so small and uninteresting, but it meant so damn much to me. I am on ultimate busy mode, and feeling comfortable in my own home helps out so much. I'm getting sappy just thinking about it. My mom is so fucking amazing. She is my best friend and my world. We all went to Pambiche right after for some dinner. I love Cuban food SO much. They are going to swing by again Sunday for a quick minute <3 I miss my family so much, even though we live close. We all have busy lives. I'm excited to be on summer break soon and hassle the living hell out of them.

Alright, that was just a recap of my day. I guess I should get into some writing that was actually intended for this blog.

SingleSummer2010.

I have been avoiding writing about it a little. One, because I keep changing my rules. Two, because I consider everyone else. And three, I don't know.

I met someone interesting. So interesting that its kind of creepy. Then again, I'm kind of a social retard, so maybe I'm the creepy one. HAH. Not really. I am just horrid at articulating things with grace. Then again, this someone doesn't mind that. Thankfully he isn't awkward, so I can make up for the both of us. We've been hanging out a bit, and getting the feel for things. Ultimately, I made an amazing friend. Someone that forces me to think, and to believe, without even realizing it. I think I probably gain more out of this friendship than he does. I just have useless sociological information to fill his brain with. Its interesting meeting someone that has a lot of the same values and beliefs as myself, and someone that does a million things at once. This is actually really weird for me. Usually when I am running late, or fucking up, or rescheduling, or over scheduling, or planning way in advance...everyone gives me shit. "Take your time" "When are we going to hang out" "You never have free time" "Ugh you're so busy". But this is the first person that can tell me that they understand, and they totally mean it. I can dig that.

I guess I shouldn't say thats the only person. My mom is like that too. She messaged me the other day and told me to take care of myself and not over do it. I hear this often from everyone, but my mom knows me best. Jasmine is a close second. Its weird feeling like people actually get me, considering I don't really get me. I constantly doubt myself, and don't give myself much credit. But I must be doing something right in this life? I sure as hell hope so.

I've realized a part of why I am constantly on the go, I get horrid anxiety when I'm doing nothing at all. Like right now I could be sitting around doing nothing in my apartment on a Friday night. Instead, I already made a small to-do list for the evening. All little easy things. But a list none the less. I could go out, but really, I haven't spent much time to myself, and I kind of miss me. Well, I guess I spend a lot of alone time driving from place to place, but that is usually infused with road rage during the summer...so I won't count that. I just got a text from my boy Philly, haha...I might go out not. OOPS. :)

This week is my crazy week, I scheduled a handful of shoots. Have work. Homework. And hella places to be. I like it though. Its usually one chaotic week a month. I'm excited, I'm already half way through the summer term. So I will have five weeks off. I wonder how that will go. I refuse to spend it drinking everyday. I want to go on adventures! To the coast, river, and lake! Then again, so will every other Oregonian...damnit.

Anyways, this was a tangent and a half. I am going to eat some papaya and pineapple enzymes, I'm overstuffed from dinner.

End.Tangent.

XO CaraMIa


Not to brag, but I truly am blessed. I have so many good things going for me, and some of the best people in my life.

So much learned this summer, yet still foolish.

I have minimal time to blog, but a lot to say. Let's see how this goes.

I've had some of the best few days as of late. My heart is full. My friends are near. And I've got amazing things going on in my life. It also helps that the weather is perking up a touch. This week should be into the 90s. Speaking of this weekend.

Calendar-
July

9th-8:30am shoot with J.Allen for the calendar til 12ish
6:00pm shoot with David A View Askew
10th-10:00am shoot with Mark Coffin and Bubba's Bel Air.
8:00pm Ellie and the Tiger Bar
11th-???time shoot with Ronnie Werner

Busy bee weekend jah.

I have actual stuff pertaining to the Single Summer that I want to write about. But I keep on holding back. Jasmine says that its very kind of me to consider everyone's feelings, but really its not my responsibility. Seriously, that woman is so smart. I don't know where I would be right now...or who I would be for that matter--without her. She is my best friend. Its weird that I can get a lot closer to women then men. And no, I'm not gay. I was talking to Pat, she said maybe sex complicates things. Who knows. However, I have met someone that I'd like to believe I'm very close to. Or at least we talk about everything. And if you know me, you know I don't shut up and that I always want to know whats going on in your head. So yea. I don't know.

I need to blow dry my hair. I will blog again later. I promise. I've got tons to say.

I love my friends and family.
Thank you for being in my life.
And understanding.

XO CaraMia

Day 69- (lol) for Dottie

So of course all my test results came back clean...

It was a little scary to think about HIV but meh.. I am sick of talking about that already..

So I really love being single (I say that everytime)
Although...hanging out with people of interest has become something else.
I am just taking one day at a time. Each of those days are so amazing and F U N!

I went on a drunken adventure through Mt. Tabor and smoked some pot at the top and looked at the view... He threw my shoe randomly down the path below us to get a reaction out of me and I showed him by taking my other one off and throwing it too...

Freedom is the king of kings and I never felt so amazing..

Staying single has not been a challenge . No one is rushing to me to tie me down...
The ex is a different story. Arguing .. bringing up old arguments.. trying to kiss me ... I am really okay with denying .. I let go months ago.. I feel sad inside sometimes .. Not going to bed every night with someone I loved so much. Trusting someone completely and not worrying about a thing...I do miss it.

But.......... it is worth the loss in trade for freedom and not having to worry about what the person is doing all the time..


F R E E D O M !!

Best SUMMER EVER!!

-
Dottie

UH OHHH. HE'S BEEN TELLIN' LIES!
HE'S A COLD HEARTED SNAKE..OOOO.
LOOK INTO HIS EYES!

Oh Paula Abdul. You've been stuck in my head for days.

Anyways. Life is good. Busy, as always, but good. I dropped a class because I didn't understand the looney instructor. So many assignments and half of the class was online. If I wanted an online class...I would have registered for one. So now I am down to 12 credits, three days of work, a pinup calendar, and the summer. Wish me well, not hell!

I guess I haven't written in awhile. That is mainly because I have taken up other outlets. I've been learning to actually talk about things. For as open and honest as I am, I am SO protective over my feelings. I hate it sometimes, really it leaves me getting hurt only to myself...which has its ups and downs. I've been working on a few things within myself, well, more so addressing them and then owning them. I like this. Sometimes. I tend to beat myself up over my flaws, but who is to say what is or isn't a flaw? Who is to say anything is good or bad about me, accept me. I am slowly snapping out of my funk. I am proud of this. But it is due to the help of some kind souls.

I supposed I will just do a quick update on my world. I just finished a week long birthday celebrating. I am now 23, my guy friends are joking that I am no longer desirable...however I believe I am going to get way fucking better with age. Yea, I'm a damn white wine! White, because I have a strong distaste for reds. Speaking of beverages, I am taking a breather after that birthday week.

A quick recap!

Friday June 18-
Rose City Roundup!
Chop Tops.
Lots of swing dancing in a short circled skirt...oops.

Saturday June 19-
My baby brother's birthday.
Rose City Roundup Car Show!
World Naked Bike Ride with Jasmine and Erich.

Sunday June 20-
Chillaxing.
Double birthday dinner and Father's Day celebration with the family at Marrakesh.

Monday June 21-
Long day of school.
Sleep.

Tuesday June 22-
MY BIRTHDAY.
School.
Hopeless Jack and McDougall rocked Mississipp Pizza.
Puked all over Jack's car <3
Woke up confused.

Wednesday June 23-
Didn't make it to school, recovering.
Sauvie's Island with Jack.
Wait, my days are getting mixed up.
Well it was one of those days at the island.
WEDNESDAY!
Darcelle's with my amazing friends!
CC Slaughter's for a naked dance party!
Slumber party at my place.

Thursday June 24-
Breakfast with the girls.
Bloodymarys's at HTT.
School.
REST.

Friday June 25-
Hella errands.
Lunch with Andy.
More errands.
Visited the family.
Watched True Blood with Isaac.

Saturday June 26-
Billetproof 2010 with Mark Coffin and the Deviants CC.
ALL DAY.
I hate Washington, but had fun with friends.


END OF BIRTHDAY WEEK MADNESS. Pictures on FB.


Anyways, thats my quick update. Nothing too interesting infused, just a quick tangent. I will write when I find more time.

XO CARAMIA


PS-Thank you to ALL of the amazing people that made it out this week. I love all of you and had SUCH an amazing time.

Say Anything- I am a Transylvanian.

You're bent over the grand piano.
Feel my eyes slide over you.
Legs that curve the same as hers could run as quickly too.
My lazy tongue lies low and ready.
It cannot seem to speak its words.
I'd axe it off to shut me up but you've already heard the murders have occured.
The path into this heart is littered with corpses and strewn with body parts of those who came before
And of strongers souls than you.
So just give up.
Take me where they cannot see us and lay me down on coffin rich dirt.
Tonight, I am a Transylvanian.
A taste of you won't hurt.
Because i am numb to every feeling and stubborn ears will hear no sound.
My last few rounds have left me reeling.
My teeth are on the ground and I've taken pound for pound.
So child,
Don't go getting your hopes up




I've been listening to sap all morning.
-CaraMia

Day 57- for Diamond

So Today I went to the clinic to get the whole sha-bang of STD testing..
Yeah I know how AWKWARD and PERSONAL to write about! But it seems like no one talks about this routine method...
I want to make sure that when I decide to be with someone I will be able to say truthfully I know for a fact I am clean as a whistle .

I feel naive to the whole part of worrying about those things. I was with someone 6 years and married then on to a 4 year relationship.. Now I live single in Portland , Oregon . Ummmmm yeah ... I think we all know how much Portland LOVES sex.. dont we all.. but really?....how many people actually get tested ?!

All I know is I am even more apprehensive about having sex.. I did although have the support of someone I been dating. He drove me there and went in with me.. now THAT is bad ass.....how many guys do that?? How many guys stick around for this wacky "single summer" four months no sex rule.. I surely have no idea.

I still have my feelings and heart guarded. I feel secure about being alone and have learned a lot about who I am ...
Being so busy all the time has made me unavailable for anything serious anyways.

Still havent had sex, still havent committed to any relationships.
and now.... I am scared to death of anything intimate ... I am going to be so smart about everything I do, as much of a loose cannon I can be....;)

Love Dottie

I am happy I went today though. What a relief ...

Day 54- Piece of Diamond cake

Fifty Four days ......still single. Doing what I want and over indulging in any pleasures I can get my hands on (well besides ..eh hem.. ya know)

I been finding other ways to connect with the opposite sex. I have come to realise I am OBSESSED with boys..They are EVERYWHERE and they are breathin down my neck in a non-literal sense....
It has become a life vest for me being able to say no to sex... I would sink fast if I gave in and said "fuck it" I am actually scared to death of it. Its the strangest thing. I feel like I have made such a huge deal out of it. But that its the only control I have over protecting my feelings while I heal. I am SUCH a girl? (BLLLLLEEEEEEEEH!! -me barfing)

gawd.....anyways so lets get to the good stuff.. guess what I discovered.. Being single equals having the BEST time EVER.
For example, this last weekend... Ya I hardly slept. Who has time for rest when there is towns to terrorize?
Staying up all night drinking with my BGF, ending up with matching outfits which include our faux leather jackets, Fedoras , pirate rain boots and sunglasses. After that, driving to Safeway at 5 am to buy a totinos pizza and a ball. Running around the grocery store playing dodge ball ? why yes please!
I put my BGF in the back of the truck and drove her around . We were searching for the first car she seen to throw the ball at and then we took off like a bat outta hell..you know why? Cuz somehow we get away with what ever we want apparently. I must be doing something right to be able to end up in the country after having free drinks at a strange bar, in a strange town, pullin cookies in a horse arena... GAWWD I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Single Summer has created a MONSTER..
I feel like no one can touch me and I am unstoppable...
I have my own room now and new apartment . I AM me.. NO - you cant have me...cuz I am my own... I sure as hell will join you in good times though and I will make out with a boy if I want! I have had to literally push them off of me . Not bragging .. its just SO funny how being single people are like vultures....BRING IT !

Fifty Four days Shmifty Shmore days......... Bah!

I am a grown up.


GROWN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Dottie

I'm your man.

I haven't written in a little while, but I have been thinking a lot--and holding some amazing conversations.

This blog kind of weirds me out a bit, because I didn't realize what an influence it had or how many people actually read it. I guess there is some good and bad with that, like everything else in the world...so I won't over analyze it. I'll save the analyzing for something a touch more pointless.

I've been thinking a lot about myself in the sense of who I am, what I'm doing, and who is in my life. Its pretty interesting. I'm figuring out that talking isn't always the best route. I talk a lot when I know and trust someone, usually about random thoughts. The words that come out of my mouth are a huge process to getting to an ultimate point. Talking helps me hash out what is going through my head, and I'm realizing that what's going through my head isn't always that entertaining to others. That's okay though. Sometimes I miss talking to Stine, but that was a whole different type of talking. So I shouldn't miss it too much.

I'm doing well these days. I've got a lot going on. I've been meeting amazing people. Sometimes I feel sick and tired of this Single Summer, some days I don't. Right now, I don't really care--I'm pretty neutral. I've been holding some amazing conversations with my buddy...we shall call him...Hopeless. He's extremely interesting and I'm under the impression that he understand I'm figuring out what;s going on in my head as I speak. Its funny how friendships reappear over time. He told me that he focuses on the good in meeting people. I imagine it like a ripple effect, we all take something from everything. Whether it be positive or negative. And I'm done wasting my time on the negative. I'm down with figuring myself out, and I think thats something we are all doing.

I knew that this summer would be about figuring myself out. There's a lot of things I've come to terms with, and some that I'm not so proud of. I hate making myself feel childish. Sadly, I remind myself that there are worse cases of so-called adults, and this makes me feel better.

Like Dottie said in the previous blog "we've been too hard on ourselves and placed too much pressure on this". I agree. So much. I'm going with the flow because that is the natural thing to do, but I'm reminding myself how much sex complicates things. So all is going well thus far in the Single Summer. I've hung out with a few interesting characters, not in a dating sense, but I guess just in an analytical sense. It helps me put myself in check. Hm.

For some reason my list just popped back into my head.
Annnnd I think I will type it up right now.
Its the things I'm trying to keep in mind, for when I'm ready to try again.

Promises I Can Keep--

I'll respect my partner the way I respect myself.

I will never take more than I can give.

I'll remain supportive of my partner's journey through life.

I'll always offer safety and genuine friendship.

I promise to meet in the middle.

I can dish it out, and I can also take it.

I won't hide my thoughts or feelings.

I WILL NOT be a romance killer.

I'm not perfect, and I don't expect my partner to be.

I'll always be open and honest.

I'll be open minded to whatever differences may exist.

I will love my partner's body the way I love my own.

I won't ever take my emotions out on another person.

My love comes in many forms, and I'll be sure to keep my partner on their toes.

Its not really much, but its the things I can offer in a relationship, and one of these days I hope I find them reciprocated. The idea of that makes me smile right now. I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships. And last night I had a horrible epiphany. Something I won't state here, because its hurtful to everyone including myself. Like I said before, I'm starting to notice things in myself and they aren't all things I would love to boast about. However, I am glad that I can acknowledge them and own up to them. I'm far from perfect, but I sure as hell have my shit together.

Speaking of having my shit together, I'm excited about this summer and the following year. I'm almost done with college--which is scary yet completely amazing. Its weird knowing that a new chapter of your life is starting, and not completely knowing what it entails. This is okay with me though. Like I said before...I'm trying to go with the flow.

Yea, I think thats enough rambling for now. Enough to compensate for my lack of writing in the last few weeks. Wow, really its June 10th? My birthday is soon. I always get weird around this time of the year. I'm going to be 23, and that freaks me the hell out. I know, I know...its dumb to be stressed about age when I'm so young. I just feel like I'm not doing enough considering my age. Or something. Anyways. I'm done.

Thomas Kitty and I are going to cuddle and watch a movie and drink vodka crans!

XO CaraMia

Day 40 - Diamond gettin buffed

HAHA NO NAKED PICS........
Cara and I discussed rules for this summer. We decided that we were putting too much pressure on ourselves as far as what we can/can't do..

I myself have decided to not commit myself fully to anything and not have sex with anyone until the four month mark has passed , that is if I really am into someone and trust them fully.

Recently I have been hanging out with someone. When I first met him I was drawn to him like a magnet.. We had the same sense of humor and had so many of the same words .. We made dozens of inside jokes the first time we hung out ..(which is my fave kind of bonding) He didnt try anything on me right away and I built this instant trust with him that I never felt.
I have built a wall to protect myself. I want to protect myself from getting hurt and even hurting someone else.. All I know is I feel great right now. The past 7 months has taught me a lot. If and when I make a big commitment I am going to do much better.

I am moving into my new apartment this weekend!!!
I will be a grown up!
Things are moving up and out .. now to find that new job.... ugh..

Love
Dottie

I'll believe in anything.

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything
said I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn

and I could take another hit for you
and I could take away your trips from you
and I could take away the salt from your eyes
and take away the spitting salt in you
and I could give you my apologies
by handing over my neologies
and I could take away the shaking knees
and I could give you all the olive trees
oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the water
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way
About your blood
your bones
your voice
and ghost
because nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way

-------------------------------
I'm scared to write in this blog these days, I'm scared of a lot these days. Mostly people. I'm thinking I'll snap out of it soon. I'll just keep pushing through. I'll keep a huge smile on my face :) I'm turning 23 next month, I'm still young. But I feel like I don't know a damn thing.

CaraMia

PS-Laughing hard at my picture choice, I told you I was scared!

Day 34-One Single Diamond

Well.... I can say I am stilllllllll single!

I have to confess that I slipped up and made out with a guy... Cuddling doesnt work or at least for me at this time in my life. My will is not strong enough. I really am just a girl... I am learning from my mistakes. Making that kind of contact only makes healing and understanding myself take longer and become more confusing . But I obviously feel it was worth it...
Plus , I am a grown up and can make my own choices. The point of all this is not rushing into a relationship and making the best choices while learning about my behaviors.

I have been dealing with THE HARDEST times.. My 7 year old boy has some sickness that is unknown. Strange redness on his skin almost a rash but not . Have had to go the the ER and the hospital for bloodwork, xrays and biopsy .. It could be very serious or it could run its course. . They are unsure. He has a hard time walking.. I have been carrying him and pushing him in a wheel chair..
He doesnt deserve to go through this... The guilt of the break up just weighs me down more. I wish I was there like I was before at this crucial time...my baby... ugh..

well, One day at a time...

First things first though...

Some days are better than others.

Last week was intense in the life of CaraMIa. So I retreated into my Nikki land. I spent a lot of time at home, hung out with great friends and spent time with my Gato Thomas. I'm really pleased with this. I was a little stressed out. All is well now, and I'm prepared to dominate.

Today is the mark of Dottie and my first month.

I've been working on a list of things that I'm interested in when it comes to a partner. And it got sloppy, very sloppy. I enjoy things fitting into perfect boxes--for the most part. And decided my first route for list making was a flop. I took another route. And I am really happy with it. I will share it when I am 100% satisfied with it. I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I want to wait out all summer with solitude, this morning I didn't. Right now, I do. This whole time frame is about me figuring out myself, and observing those around me. Yes.

I am in a bit of a hurry, so this blog won't be too interesting. I just wanted to document my good mood. I'm about to go to lunch with Jayla, and play around town. I think I will stay in tonight and rent movies. I forget how much I love my own company.

I love me.

xoCaraFuckingMia

Diamond day 26

I have finally figured it out...

I am being tested.. not one thing could go wrong now..

I just have to wait..

I love that its raining outside and I just want to cuddle .. I got my little sweet pea .

This blog entry is just so boring so far but I feel like not telling what really is going on because its so personal?..

I just want ...

To cuddle
for starbucks to give me a freakin job already
money
car insurance/health insurance
my ADHD medication
my car to stop smoking out the tail pipe
my own room/apartment
a new vibrator and a place to use it

is that too much to ask?!!

yep I made it personal now ...

;)

Guess I will look for jobs online and edit photos.


Love
Dottie

Learning.

I'm trying to take my time figuring everything out. I'm coming up on one whole month of solitude. I guess I can't really call it solitude, I have a lot of amazing people in my life. I always thought of myself as a good listener, and observer...but lately with this imaginary wall between myself and others--I find myself taking in a bit more than usual when it coms to conversations. I hold on to more, I understand more, and I remember more. Watching people talk when they think you aren't listening, is extremely entertaining. Unfortunately I think I'm becoming a touch more cynical, and finding some sort of sick game out of this. I don't want to become a man hater. I do enjoy their company, but too many people right now are acting as if they are the one that are going to change all of this and make my mind up for me. Heh...

Oh well.

I keep pretty busy these days. Which makes me happy, exhausted...but happy. I am doing well in my one class this term. I had a jam packed week for CaraMia. Casting call, photo shoots, BitterSweethearts and so on to infinity. I've decided I am going to take this upcoming week off. Until the weekend. I start shooting for my calendar this upcoming Saturday. I am also contemplating joining the Pinup Dollies, they are sweet girls. I just don't know if I have enough time to dedicate to the group. We shall see.

Hmm.

Speaking of modeling and such. One of my good friends, of FOREVER. Thought my pictures were hot, and that meant we should go on a date. I'm glad I don't have a bitchin personality, or anything else worth taking out on a date. This really stung. Dottie has been helping me out a lot in this kind of department. Understanding how far my kindness can go while still being professional, and not giving the wrong idea. I contemplate getting rid of CaraMia, and just being Nikki. So there is no confusion. Just a girl that plays dress up :)

Anyways, I guess all of this was a round about way of saying that I am learning to listen. I am happy about this. I guess I didn't pay as much attention to the meaning of things before hand.

Meh.

Nap time. Work time. Sleep time.
Tomorrow is the first day of my week off :)


XOX CARA FUCKING MIA.

Day 24 for tough as DIAMONDS

So ... Never in my life have I had more offers for dates or go out for a "drink"....

It is what I like to do lately.. I love to go out, go to shows and have some drinks! I went from a controlling mom to a controlling boyfriend to being a full time Mom..
Of course I am taking advantage of it!

But I have to learn to change how honest and upfront I am to advances..

I like to compliment people when its honest! I like to flirt... I like to be open with what is going on in my life or how I feel... I hate being vague or not understanding what people mean/feel.. What is the point??

I am craving intimacy though... every time I hug a guy I can feel their body against mine it drives me INSANE! Its not been that long .. day 24 ?! how ridiculous.... Maybe I have an addiction? I had a sexual dream last night about making out with someone . Really slow and soft and open mouth it was perfect and turned me on so much ......AHHHHH...

I just miss hanging out around guys... I stay away because its too hard to find ones I can trust to respect my boundaries or tempt me..

I need some guy friends god damnit!!

love

Dottie

Day 20 for D.D.

Its hardly even been a month and I have a whole new outlook.

The struggle of accepting my reality has been brutal. Yeah , I sound mega dramatic...oh well... If you hang out with me you wont hear any of this .

I fill my time with laughing , telling jokes and hanging out with my girlfriends.
It has been great. Learning to make a relationship work with my BGF has changed how I feel about so much.

One thing I have learned is critisism and judgment does absolutely nothing for anyone . People will do what they want no matter what. They will just end up directing their anger on to you and maybe prolonging the issue.
I love people. I have always been the most forgiving person, I like to think. But this new outlook has made me feel better about life in general. I am getting really excited for this new life ahead of me.

Moving into my new place next month . Starting over.... HOW FUCKING AWESOME!


Now I just have to learn how to take care of sexual frustration and build some friendships with men. I have already succeeded . I can flirt and say whatever because they know my situation and feelings about things..
I am indifferent about sex right now. But boys are SO freakin hot ....

love

Dottie

Hold on to this feeling.

I woke up with plans that didn't follow through, which is totally understandable. It meant that I got to curl up with Thomas Kitty for another hour or so. I was contemplating heading to ADX to hassle my beloved mother<3 But she works the graveyard and won't be up until 2:30ish, and I work at 5:30. So I am going to harass her tomorrow with my love. BOOSH.

So until then, I'm sitting in my well lit apartment, watching my cat bask in the sunlight, and starting on my essay for Sociology of Women. I almost want to go lay outside and write, but that would require putting on real clothes.

I feel amazing right now, a full night of sleep, followed by a morning of sunshine puts me into an amazing mood.

I'm feeling funky fresh.



-CaraMia

Transfer.

I'm sitting here transferring the life of my macbook into my new netbook, its tedious and time consuming. However, it must be done. I will not lost all my music, again.

I keep wanting to write about things that cross my mind but have been finding it difficult to open up via blog. I am under the impression a lot of people are checking this out, which is great, but at the same time I makes me not want to open up completely. I'm worried people will take things to heart, or get defensive or something to that extent. Oh well.

I just realized today that in the past 17days I have dodged kisses from three different men. How the fuck does this happen? Jasmine and I were talking about it, she read the letter that my neighbor shoved under my door and laughed. We then tried to figure out how the hell I meet so many guys that instantly find weird flirty comments to be acceptable. She said that she hasn't had anyone try and say awkward inappropriate shit to her, which then made me over analyze myself.

I'm under the impression people open up to me because I am very casual and for the most part I am not quick to judge. Therefore they think they can say weird awkward comments to me. If the weird awkward comment is executed well, then its just funny. Otherwise, it tends to be creepy. And I am thankful to have so many rad dude friends that have got my back when it comes to creepers, and my amazing buddy Jazzy who defends my honor.

I tend to act stupid when people flirt with me. DUHHHH, what?

I do like this abstinence kick though, I feel like I am doing a better job of observing people and getting to know them. HAHA its only day 17, how funny. There's so much more time ahead of Dottie and I. Which for the most part I don't mind. However, I think when I transition back into dating, it will be a scary place!

Yea, super scary. Fucking vultures!


Time for bed, Jazzy and I are going jogging tomorrow morning.
Then I'm visiting my mama.
Then I'm working.

-CaraMia

Dottie Diamond in the ROUGH n TOUGH

I am just fine.......

or I am FUCKING pissed .

All I feel like is terrorizing this earth with ridiculous sarcastic jokes.

I had the best time yesterday. It really does feel awesome to be my own person .



Oh ! Randomly someone from California sent Darrell a Douche bag and enema kit in a package??
I swear I didnt do it. FOR REAL....

he asked wtf.. I said well, Someone must think your a douche.. he asked -but an enema kit?? I replied , they must think your an asshole too..

Get over it they all say... Sure .. alright...
for now I am a tyrant and loving it...

G O O D T I M E S

Love

Dot

Mental Notes

Last night my neighbor kid and I talked for a bit about all sorts of randomness, and just rambled about this and that. One of the questions that he asked me was "what is a friend to you", and for the past three or four years I have been trying to figure out who my real friends are. And I feel like I still am figuring this out, especially now that I'm venturing into this four month solitude period. I've heard all sorts of interesting things that have got my mind thinking. "I can wait four months", "I just want to get to know you", "I'm not hitting on you", "I don't want you to think of me aIs one of those stupid boys that are chaseing you", "I'm not a boy". Its been weird. I generally take people as they are and usually everyone starts off with a clean slate, but I'm realizing how little I actually listen to what people say. I take things too literal from people, with no hidden meanings, but the more I pay attention, the more I realize that not everything is straight forward.

I don't dig that. I am literal, and I try not to mess with anyone's noggin.

Anyways. What is a friend. I've been dwelling on this since last night, and cannot come up with a clean, singular solution. However, I know that I have a handful of real people in my life, that I know that right or wrong that they will be there for me and vise versa. I know that I've been having a weird disconnect with Aloha, but I'm realizing that there is a difference between friends and life friends. I like those life friends. Aloha, you few know who you few are. Portland,you know who you are without a doubt. I may not have the right words for it, but I'm pretty sure you can feel it.

Okay.

Speaking of friends, Thomas Kitty is moving in with me today! I just bought him some stuffs and am taking him to SW in a few hours. BOOSH <3

YO GABBA GABBA!

CaraMia

"I'm not a boy."

I've been thinking a lot lately, then again, I usually am. But lately its been across a broad range of things. Ultimately I am happy though. I have good things going on, the weather is clearing up, there are awesome people in my life, I am bringing Thomas Kitty to my home, and world domination is in full effect.

I don't really have anything to say right now, I try and make mental notes through out the day and events that take place in hopes that I can hash them out with words later...then I forget. I had a few interesting conversations last night. I don't really know what to do with them. So I will just keep busy as to not set myself into panic mode

"and my tongue is the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart

I have tons of new music, it makes me happy. And I'm not even done yet. Still organizing and listening.

Okay this blog is pointless, I tried. I'm off to study statistics for my exam tomorrow. FACK.

-CaraMia

Diamond in the Rough-Day 8

Realizing you can say and do what you want without getting in trouble or hurting someone is empowering.
I can talk to anyone I want. I am only loyal to myself and my friends.

I now have this thickened skin that will keep me from getting hurt again.
Before , I would have gotten myself in situations if I wasnt staying away from dating.

My phone is still blowing up . I have to say no a lot. Only some guys get it . Some dont . Its too bad.. but Its not my responsibility anymore to make any of them happy.
I always wanted to please .. but it just caused pain in the end.

I love that its Friday.. I can do ANYTHING I want !!

Love Dottie

Today's the day today.

I find it interesting how I can go to bed completely defeated and wake up completely anew.

I wish I was better with my words, and that I knew how to make everyone happy without compromising myself--but I'm piss poor with words, I always say the wrong thing with an even worse side note, and I don't know how to keep everyone happy..its one or the other. Last night I kept asking myself, why couldn't I keep my mouth shut? Maybe if I never said anything and picked my battles more wisely we wouldn't be doing this right now. However, I know me. I know I spill everything that runs across my brain for a reason...if I hold it in, it becomes a huge, angry mess. And I also don't believe in keeping secrets, I don't believe in hiding anything. Simply because If I don't tell you what's on my mind, how the fuck are you supposed to know? I assumed that is a two way street, but not everyone drives down it. If you don't speak to me, I may have an idea what's going on but ultimately I have no fucking clue what your thoughts and comprehension amount up to.I take things very literal, if you don't say it or blatantly act it out..then to me it does not quite exist.

Its funny, My solution generally is to ignore these kind of difficulties and move on, but I'm getting soft in my old age!
I think I generally prefer to think with my head, and not with my heart.

However, like I said...today is a new day. The sun is trickling in and out of my morning which is great, and its a Friday. Which means I am going to visit my family, and my Thomas kitty. These are good things. Tomorrow is action packed, and Sunday is going to be spent playing catch up.

Oh.

Other thoughts.

I am convinced boys can smell abstinence. They are sharks. I'm scared I'm going to come out of this four month period more angry than resolved. I sat in the Chit Chat Cafe studying statistics for two hours, and during the course of that time three guys felt it appropriate to try and spark a conversation with me. REALLY? I was fucking studying, go away. I've also been analyzing all the relationships with my guy friends, who is really actually one of my guy friends? And who just pretends. One of my friends calls those type of dude friends "vultures", which I find very fitting. Waiting til you're weak to pounce, that coming from the bird of prey. I see all of your tactics! I'm not fucking retarded. I may be boy crazy, and a total flirt, NO MEANS NO. '

I'm no man hater, I'm just shocked by reality.

This was all random and all over the place. Enjoy.

CaraMia

Dottie Diamond-Day 7

It took a storm to calm me down. I am done being so ridiculous and over dramatic.
I really am just best at expressing myself writing (or texting )

I am meeting with the hair school I applied to on Monday. Classes start in September . My interview with Starbucks went really well but I am on a list to be hired "next" ..I wasnt enthusiastic enough about Coffee..? fuck a-round...
whatev - I will wait.. push the PUMS with Emily.. but not too long I have to get a job so I can move out of my BGF's bedroom and move my things from Darrells house...
My lord I am really getting this personal?....
I am so glad I dont have to tell anyone where I am or feel obligated to do anything and I can still cuddle my BGF .. My sex drive is confused.. I am afraid pleasing myself too much could start to get obsessive lol.... I guess I should ask someone who is used to being single how they do?

thats hot..
just sayin ..lol

Love Dottie

Dottie Diamond- day 7- new leaf

Fuck a Round...........
I finally can exhale as I have been holding my breath the past couple weeks. I had been crying, not enjoying anything, teetering on a thin line we can call desperation..
All I wanted was someone to tell me if I was wasting my time or to shut that switch that makes me give a fuck.
I was trying my best to do the right thing. I cared too much about the wrong thing..
all I needed was an answer. I got it last night. The biggest blow out drama fest ever. I admit I over did it and couldnt keep my cool. If you know me well , you know the phrase "I am fucking nice" was born because I am the type of girl that you can try to start shit with and I will most likely walk away. No thanks... I been in fights before. I am a grown up now..
But in this case.. I couldnt walk away. I refused to not stand up for myself . I never been so humiliated and hurt. I screamed and cried.. I acted wrong..give me a break. That was the peak and now I can move on. I didnt start it no matter if he admits it. Which he hasnt still. Whatev. I am glad I know now what to do with my life.
I dont have to wonder if I made the right decision or not.
I know I did. I will never be with someone that tries to humiliate me again.
I am SO GLAD to be single and not have to trust anyone with my love again..

Single Summer 2010 I love you

Love
Dottie

Enjoy yourself, take only what you need from it.

I'm all over the place today, but most of it got pushed aside because I helped out my besty, I love that girl so fucking much. Family is what you make of it, and I'm thankful to have those in Aloha, and those in Portland. If only I could merge the two. I guess I'm still growing use to the idea of living on my own and traveling back and forth. I know I'm almost 23, but the idea of leaving the coop for good is still settling strangely. Sometimes I'm okay with it though. Lately, not so much. I may have to put down my cat. He is my one true love, and been there through it all. He's old, and its unfair for me to keep him in pain for my own selfish dependence on him. He's supposed to go to the vet sometime this week to find out whether or not his time has come. I'm handling this a lot better than the first few days. The first few days, all I did was cry and eat. Oreos have stored themselves around my belly, so I shall hit the gym tomorrow after class.

Speaking of tomorrow, I've got a lot going on. I guess I'll find out how the rest of the day will go based off of the morning. I shall keep you posted. I heard from the boy today, I think I did more damage than I originally thought. Which makes my stomach hurt, I fucking HATE hurting people. Unless they deserve it, but even then, I cringe. I'm getting soft in these older years. I miss the teenage days when heartbreak meant nothing, and the rebound was painless. I feel like I lose more and more each time I try. Someone specific comes to mind, but I really don't know if its appropriate to list names. So I won't.

I think I need to stop dwelling so much on what is going on, and focus on being in the groove of me. Family. Friends. School. Work. Modeling. Calendar. And so on. Focus, focus, focus. I am excited for the summer, I think that has given me a ton of drive for this time frame. There will be a lot to do, and a lot to keep my mind occupied with. Sometimes I dread looking at my day planner, but I think I prefer it more than blank slots. Blank slots makes the mind wander.

I wish I wrote earlier when I had a lot on my mind, however, I just took a hot shower and am feeling pretty optimistic. I'll go on that note.

-CaraMia

Dottie Diamond in the Rough- Day 5

Good morning. I hope that I can sleep better tonight. My brain wouldnt shut off and I randomly got a bunch of mean yelling text messages from my ex..
Somehow this SS2010 has a lot to do with both mine and Nikki's Ex's.. In my case , I woke up from a five month nap. Avoiding things was wrong and destructive. All I get now is anger and impatience from the person that was always loving and forgiving. I was not honest. Its my own fault.

Jealousy and panic consumes me . I can't help but want to try to get my my baby daddy back even though I made so many wrong choices to make things near impossible to fix.
I cant understand why I feel that way.
I need this time to decide what I want. How could I not care about someone enough to push them away for months and now realise I made a mistake..
There is a kid involved... I love him so much . We had a family .

I am going to get a job today. I have a plan of action but its not good enough. Nothing feels good enough. I havent felt right in months.

I thought I was a good person. I dont like questioning myself.

I have four months to prove to myself I know what I want and I love myself again.

-Dottie

The silent treatment.

I feel like a child. Did I really get the cold shoulder during my whole shift? Maybe I deserve that. I can't let this bother me. Today is the 25th, wow only four days. Fuck. Oh well. I think I might have to change a small rule for myself. I shall only cuddle with friends, and by friends I mean ONLY Jasmine or Mikey. Because they are trustworthy amigos. I don't know if this is a for sure thing, well haha I know Jasmine is.

She bought me icecream today because she knows that sweets cure all. I ate a Snickers with almonds on my break today to sweeten up the silence. I feel like I shouldn't say much about it on here. But let it be known! I am pretending I don't care. Shh.

My stomach is full of salad, I'm going to cuddle up with a book and read myself to sleep.

Tomorrow is only two hours and fifteen minutes away, and a new day.

CaraMia

Under pressure.

Today was good. A few days deep. I would settle for some hand holding action right now. I don't think I care for this disconnect too much. I've been somewhat of a hermit the past day and a half. Yesterday I hid out at home, did things around the apartment. Cleaned, studied, ate. Then towards the evening I participated in the biggest man hating fest I have ever encountered. But it was somewhat comforting. I love my girls. Laura and Cricket were really supportive. We've decided that being boy crazy is a horrible curse.

Today was good with only a slight bump in the road. I keep thinking about the ex, I fucking HATE hurting people. HATE HATE HATE. I tend to put my feelings aside so that everyone else is happy. I'm not doing that this time, and I really need to stop beating myself up. I'll work on that one.

I'm going to take myself a much needed hot bath, and then watch a few of the women empowering movies that Jazzy lent me. Sex scenes much? Haha. I'm a pervert.

I'm insanely full of chicken tikka masala.

And I appreciate the respect someone has been giving me about the 4 month rule. The encouragement seriously means so much to me. I really don't know how many people understand the rationalization process I had to go through for this. I am a boy crazy type of girl, and need to learn how to be just a girl. Or something stupid like that. Overall this is good. I just like cuddling!!!!

Okay, bath, and then Matching Point with Scarlette Johansen.


-CaraMia

Diamond in the rough-Day 4 for Dottie Diamond

Well , this will be about the most personal I will ever get online. I almost didnt want to say much about my god damn "feelings" .. I have ignored them and pushed them so far down the past five months I didnt realize what they meant really.
Now after bottling them up and distracting myself from dealing with my decisions , they have come pouring out like the Niagra falls.

I am the type of girl that has been in constant , long term, serious relationships. I have never had more than a few weeks being alone.

Six months ago I broke up with Darrell. We were engaged , together for four years and raise a seven year old together. The chaos has never stopped. I had dated two people already since him and I am finally alone. I had never fully let go of him. I loved him too much . But I kept distracting myself running from my feelings for him. When I was on my trip in Vegas three weeks ago ,I had a lot of time on the road back to think. It hit me. I was SO home sick. I missed Darrell so much I had all these feelings arise I hadnt felt . I wanted to figure them out . When I had gotten back I confessed to him but while I was in Vegas it was too late. He had met someone else.

I was already in a panic state. I talked to Nikki and we decided on this pact. We will stay single for four months and I will find out what I want out of a relationship if at all . I told Darrell this. I admitted my mistakes . I was a selfish jerk and am sorry for hurting him. He shut me out and got with this new girl. Suddenly he is different . He doesnt care anymore and I have to adjust to seeing him all the time still (because of our son) but be treated like just his "ex"

So it begins.... The new me... The feelings I been running from have flooded my heart. I live with my Best girlfriend and am unemployed. I have a lot of side jobs but nothing right now seems appealing . Nothing makes me feel good today. I am not myself at all. I gotta eat this foot long shit sandwich and deal with the bitter taste I am left with.. Give me a break if I sound depressed. I will hopefully bounce back. It will be a while though. I feel broken more than I ever have.

Now I will sit and fill out a starbucks application because tomorrow I am getting a regular job. A new vow. A new life. A new me.
This diamond is in the rough.

-Dottie

Testing! 1.2.3...

Alrighty, Dottie and I are going to be blogging this bitch up.

We decided on April 21st that we would both refrain from any sort of dating for the next four months. We are going to make it through the summer without cuddling, dating, sexing--all of it. This may sound like a ridiculously easy task for a lot of people, but this is a big deal to us.

I know that I find myself in strange dating situations all the time, that is probably because I am strange. But right now, I feel that I'm at a point in my life where I need to really focus on myself, and the people that are closest to me.

Dot and I both have different reasons as to why we are doing this, however, the support from one another is much needed. I'm anticipating a roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, and changes.

I think it will be best to write this down.

-Cara